


It's a MYTH that Size Doesn't Matter

by Vanadis (VanadisV)



Series: Forty Eight Thousand Years [2]
Category: Stargate - All Media Types, Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Angst and Porn, Angst and Romance, Backstory, Banter, Biting, Bonding, Canon Backstory, Casual Sex, Character Development, Companionable Snark, Couch Sex, Crying, Dark, Dark John Sheppard, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Don't Have to Know Canon, Drama, Drama & Romance, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt, Emotionally Repressed, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Feelings, First Time, Flashbacks, Forced Orgasm, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, Humiliation, Internalized Homophobia, John Being an Asshole, LGBTQ Themes, Long, Lust at First Sight, M/M, Male Slash, Military Homophobia, Missing Scene, Misunderstandings, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Romance, Romantic Angst, Rough Sex, Seduction, Semi-Public Sex, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Shower Sex, Size Kink, Slash, Slow Romance, Soulmates, Stargate, Workplace Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-12-19 00:24:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 32,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11886021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanadisV/pseuds/Vanadis
Summary: .Lust at first sight. Sheppard seduces an unsuspecting McKay.Too damaged to truly connect during their brief affair, misunderstandings result. But as time goes by, their journey leads to a deeper friendship and a love that lasts a lifetime... perhaps even longer..





	1. Step 1: Get McKay out of that fleece

**Author's Note:**

> _No Canon required_ :This series was written to be accessible to those unfamiliar with this fandom.  
>  _Conforms with existing Canon_ : Backstories fit perfectly into the plot lines & memorable dialogue in this re-envisioned story of the first 5 seasons. The second half of this series of stories takes place post-canon (after the end of the show).  
>   
> .  
> .  
> Useful facts for those unfamiliar with this fandom:  
> -John Sheppard and Rodney McKay are members of a military unit fighting evil alien threats in the Pegasus galaxy. The other 2 people on their team are Lt. Ford and Teyla.  
> -Because the military is coordinating this large international expedition, those from Earth can often referred to by either their first or last names.  
> -Dr. Carson Beckett, the head of the medical department and is sometimes referred to as 'Carson' or 'Beckett'.  
> -Dr. Rodney McKay is a genius astrophysicist that is sometimes referred to as either 'McKay' or 'Rodney'; likewise Major John Sheppard, the team leader, may be referred to as either 'John' or 'Sheppard'.  
> -John Sheppard is also the military commander of their base of operations, an alien city-ship known as 'Atlantis'; he is second in command, reporting directly to the leader of the expedition (Dr. Elizabeth Weir).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Lust at first sight leads to an illicit affair on a secret military base_  
> .

.  
.

 

The man in the orange fleece stares at him with startling blue eyes. He seems excited, holding John’s gaze and gesturing with his hands.

 

“Major, think about where we are in the solar system.”

 

John does as the man asks and a holographic display of the galaxy appears above his head. He blinks up from the throne chair, weapons platform, or whatever it might have been before the whole complex was buried under the ice and left by aliens thousands of years ago.

 

“Did I do that?” He looks up in wonder.

 

This day has turned out… Well, not at all as he expected. John starts to feel excited by all the strange alien things around him. The lights dancing above his head entice him to feel something other than the numb detachment he is used to. He blinks again and looks back down to the people in the room.

 

The General that John flew in earlier, the one who warned him not to touch anything, is speaking with that woman who seems to be in charge, Dr. Weir. General O’Neill, Weir, and another man talk amongst themselves and then leave the chamber. Beckett, the Scottish doctor John just met, introduces him to the fleeced man.

 

“This,” Beckett gestures to the man in the orange fleece, “This is Dr. Rodney McKay”

 

They don’t shake hands. John stays sitting in the contraption like a kid that just broke something he wasn’t supposed to.

 

“Pleased to meet you.” John says in astonishment, “I’m, uh-”

 

“Major John Sheppard, yeah, I heard.” The man in orange, Dr. McKay, interrupts sounding irritated.

 

“Don’t mind him,” Beckett waves his hand, “he’s just jealous that he doesn’t carry the advanced gene.”

 

“For the last time,” McKay makes a sour face at Beckett, “it has nothing to do with being advanced. It is a random genetic characteristic, nothing more.”

 

Tilting his head toward Beckett, McKay continues, “Random or not, it does seem you have a certain proclivity for activating Ancient technology.”

 

“I imagine that Dr. Weir will probably want to see if you can assist with some of the additional testing.” Beckett adds.

 

“Oh. Well, I’ve got my thing back at McMurdo, so, yeah.” John smiles at them both, noticing how the orange jacket makes the blue of McKay’s eyes stand out dramatically.

 

“If Dr. Weir is interested.” McKay blinks flatly, “I doubt this would interfere with your ‘thing’. We all work for the Air Force here.”

 

“Interesting.” John is puzzled. When he was told this might be an extended trip he packed a duffel bag, but he doubts he’ll be here long.

 

McKay steps up on the platform and John find himself staring at the man. There is something about the way McKay looks at him. Something as rare as they say this Ancient gene is; something John has gotten good at detecting after all these years.

 

In the military, it is really important not to read these things wrong. Sure, the guy acts abrasive, but he is sure that McKay is attracted to him by the way his eyes are flitting over John’s body.

 

“You can probably get out of the chair now.” McKay sounds dismissive as he barks the command.

 

But John doesn’t move. He smiles up at lazily at McKay and gives him a long, sure gaze. McKay flushes but holds the gaze. Then, his eyes get big before he blinks and looks away, seeming flustered.

 

John is confident that there is something of interest here. He likes this bright-eyed scientist. He isn’t flashy but he is good looking. Honey colored hair, high angled cheekbones, John likes what he sees so far. It is hard to tell with that fleece on, but John imagines his body. McKay looks like the kind of guy who wouldn’t have too much hair on him. Smooth arms and chest, maybe?

 

It has been so long since John got laid. Finally, he stands up out of the chair and rubs the back of his neck. He eyes Beckett who is busy on his computer and looks back at brusque scientist.

 

“Well” John steps in close to McKay, leveling his eyes flirtatiously with an easygoing smile, “That was different.”

 

He watches McKay’s face closely; he seems nervous but interested. John will have to make the first move with this guy, but he can tell McKay wants him. Besides, this whole outfit will be out of here soon. No one stays Antarctica unless they have to, not even for alien technology; John will never see the guy again.

 

It’s worth taking the risk before he loses the chance. No one at McMurdo will find out. He wants to fuck McKay and he is going to see if McKay will let him.

 

“I’ll see you later.” John says softy, squeezing McKay’s elbow as he walks by.

 

Walking down the platform, he speaks more loudly, “It was nice meeting both of you.”

 

As he exits the room, John lets his cool demeanor fall away. He wanders through the busy corridors full of scientists wondering if they all work for this Stargate program. Beckett said it has been active for over seven years.

 

Undoubtedly, these people were recruited for specialized talents. These days John’s nothing more than a glorified chauffeur. If he hadn’t fallen backward into that chair... If he hadn’t been asked to fly General O’Neill here… he never would have known about this secret base.

 

John’s whole worldview is going through a radical readjustment It is really possible that influential leaders around the world are aware of this interstellar travel? The Air Force is sending people to other planets through a wormhole device located in Colorado? Right now, in 2004? And literally just 45 minutes SSE from where John has been stationed at McMurdo the last 11 months, there is an ancient alien weapons platform?

 

If he hadn’t disobeyed a direct order, John would have still been fighting the Taliban in Afghanistan. Or maybe deployed as part of the new US invasion of Iraq. But all the guys John knew are dead now and he’s not really a soldier anymore. He just pilots a chopper in and out of McMurdo.

 

There hasn’t been much to disrupt the glacial pace of his routine; quite different from his life as a pilot in a war zone. In a way he’s come to admire the serene beauty of the landscape. At first, it all looked the same, but then John started to pick out the subtleties, the ripples in the snow, the undulating tufts.

 

Antarctica is a lonely continent, a good place to be in solitude, to disappear from your past. With a lot of drinking and a little Johnny Cash, it isn’t so bad.

 

He’s almost at peace here doing his penance. Ever since they exiled him here, hoping he would fade into obscurity. And John’s has been happy to oblige. Well, not happy exactly, nothing ever feels happy anymore. Numb, it has gotten numb. Cold and quiet like the drifts of snow outside.

 

He stares in silence for a while and tries to make sense of the alien artifacts in the rooms around him, but the ideas swim in his mind. It seems like an elaborate joke. How can there be a battle waging beyond Earth itself without most of the world knowing about it?

 

“Major Sheppard, I’ve been looking for you.” Dr. Weir, the woman from the chair room calls out to him.

 

John gives a friendly nod and walks her way.

 

“Rodney no doubt told you about the expedition?”

 

Feeling out of his element, John shakes his head apologetically.

 

“Well,” she smiles, “as long as you’re here with us, I’d like you to help test this Ancient technology. Dr. Jackson believes he may have found another outpost. If O’Neill allows us to use the ZPM to get there, we want to be prepared for what we’ll find.”

 

“ZPM?”

 

“Oh, yes. Short for Zero Point Module; it taps enormous amounts of energy from subspace, though explaining how it works is really more of Rodney’s department. The ZPM we have here is what keeps the Earth defense platform working, and we would need to use some of its power to dial a gate that far away.”

 

John squints in her even more perplexed and Elizabeth continues.

 

“See, if Earth is attacked again, the ZPM will be needed to send out a fleet of drones. A Naquedah reactor isn’t sufficient to do this, so we’ll need to make sure there is enough surplus energy. Rodney seems to think there will be, provided we can find a way to channel the ZPM through the gate.”

 

“Naquadah? What –what do you mean, attacked _again_?”

 

Dr. Weir, or Elizabeth as she insists he call her, takes him by the arm and explains further as she shows him to some temporary quarters. The more she talks, the less John feels he understands what is really going on here.

 

The small bedroom is spacious by McMurdo standards. Elizabeth tells him that the members of the expedition will be in Antarctica for a few more weeks. She would like him to stay and assist with testing as long as he is able to. Providing his commanding officer and General O’Neill are in agreement, John consents.

 

Before she leaves, Elizabeth gives him directions to the mess hall and John asks for a favor.

 

“What is it?” She looks curious.

 

“Beer?” John asks hopefully, “You guys have that kind of thing here?”

 

She laughs and takes him to room nearby with a giant Television screen and a small bar, “Help yourself to anything you want while you’re here.”

 

For the rest of day, John makes himself available to the various people working with the Ancient technology. Nothing is as exciting as the chair, mostly interfaces for the outpost operating systems.

 

In between projects, John lurks around the chair room, waiting to see when McKay will be done. As the evening goes by, other people leave. The chambers get quiet and empty. But McKay types away at his computer, eating his ready-made snacks instead of dinner. John leaves to get himself some food.

 

When he comes back McKay is still working. John wants to get him out of that fleece. He has to have him and it has to be tonight. He doesn’t know how long he will be here.

 

“Hey.” John steps up close.

 

“Hey.” McKay looks up casually and returns to typing.

 

John leans over the table where McKay is working, “I was hoping to get your help with something.”

 

“Oh yeah.” McKay rubs his brow, “What’s that?”

 

This is not going to be easy. John sighs, tilting his head playfully, “Well, it’s just, I’m really bored and I heard there was a game room.”

 

“There is?” McKay blinks, “Oh yeah, there is. It’s pretty small. Mostly some computer games, no one uses it really.”

 

“Can you take me there?” John lifts his eyebrows.

 

Looking around the room uncertainly, McKay seems to decide it is okay to leave and stands up, “This way.”

 

John follows McKay a short way and then tells him, “Hang on. I forgot something. Be right back.”

 

Making a quick stop in his room, John dashes to the bar to grab some beer. When he returns with a six-pack under his arm, McKay looks irritated. They continue down a hall until they reach a small room at the end of a corridor.

 

Again it is luxurious compared to McMurdo, but no TV screen. That is probably why people opt for the movie room Elizabeth had shown him. Other than some board games and some older computers, it has a couch, some chairs, and a table.

 

As John sets the beer down, he sees McKay turning to leave, “Wait, you’re not going to keep me company?”

 

Oh.” McKay turns confused, “You- Okay.”

 

After he ushers McKay back in, John shuts the door behind them. The handle has a lock on it and he discretely turns it in his fingers.

 

“Here,” John grabs McKay a beer, “have one.”

 

“I don’t usually.” McKay frowns.

 

John shrugs, “Today has been an unusual day?”

 

Twisting the top off of his own drink John sits on the couch and sets McKay’s beer on the table next to him, hoping he takes the hint. Picking up the bottle dubiously, McKay sits where John wants him.

 

To close more of the distance between them, John stretches his long legs up onto the cushions. Sitting with his back on the armrest, he lounges casually, facing McKay

 

“It’s good.” John takes a sip.

 

“Hmm.” McKay takes off the lid and gives it a try, “Yeah, okay.”

 

Next steps, figure out what makes this guy laugh and get him out of that fleece.

 

It turns out that McKay loves Sci-Fi movies and TV shows, anything to do with physics or math, and his cat. He likes to make fun of his coworkers, telling John stories about how brilliant he is and that they are not worthy to be his sidekicks.

 

“Really?” John teases, “’Cause you seem like more of a Robin than a Batman to me.”

 

Though McKay gives him an infuriated look, John feels a growing familiarity between them, as if they have known each other longer than a day.

 

By the time they are on their second beers, John purposely turns the conversation to sex. He asks McKay questions, like if he’s has ever done it in public.

 

Joining in the spirit, McKay asks John if he’s ever had sex on a plane. They take turns asking questions and McKay looks less grumpy now, almost cheerful, laughing easily.

 

“Ever done it with a guy?” John asks when it is his turn.  
 

McKay just blinks and doesn’t answer.

 

“I’ll take that as a yes.” John smiles.

 

“Have you ever done it with a guy?” McKay takes a sip on his beer.  
 

“Well, since I’m in the military and all,” John looks at him seductively, “no comment.”  
 

McKay’s eyes get big, like he finally understands that John is flirting with him.  
 

“Have you ever,” John pauses and looks at the other man with open desire, “let another man be inside you?”  
 

The scientist seems shocked, flushed with arousal, looking down and then back up to John, “Yes.”  
 

“Would you,” John asks without giving McKay his turn, “ever consider letting me-?”

 

As John tries to think of a sexy way to proposition the man, he falters. When he’s done this before, there hasn’t been a lot of talking.  
 

McKay’s mouth falls open. He stares at John, taking in short breaths. Worried, he may have gone too far, John’s hands fumble with his beer. McKay looks like he might panicking.

 

But McKay doesn’t panic; he holds John’s gaze and nods decisively.

 

“I can tell you would make me cum really hard.” John’s chest is warm with growing confidence, “I could make you feel good, McKay.”  
 

 “O-oh.” McKay’s breath hitches.

 

“Are you as hard as I am right now?” John licks his lips.   
 

“Yes.” McKay closes his eyes and lets his head fall back onto the couch.

 

Standing up, John adjusts his painfully crowded cock in his pants. He sets his beer down to the side of the couch and walks in front of McKay, touching his arm to get his attention.

 

“Do you want to do something about it?”  
 

“Y-Yes. Yes.” McKay looks up at John with his mouth hanging open in disbelief. 

 

John pulls the lube out of his pocket before he starts to take his pants off.

 

“What, here!?” McKay is stunned.

 

“Locked the door.” John points.

 

Incredulous at the obvious premeditation of this seduction, McKay shakes his head.

 

“Take this off.” John tugs on McKay’s fleece.

 

Staring at John’s tented boxers, McKay flushes and willingly takes of the jacket.

 

“Mmm.” John looks him over, pleased as he runs his hand up McKay’s perfect nearly hairless bicep. He kneels down and slides the table away from them, pushing McKay’s shirt up and feeling the wonderfully smooth skin on his chest.

 

McKay starts to looks uncomfortable.

 

“So nice.” John assures him. That seems to relax him. Running his hands up the inside of McKay’s pants, John squeezes his cock.

 

Impressed, John tells him, “Very nice.”

 

He starts to undo McKay’s pants but McKay takes over to do it himself. So John pulls off his own shirt and boxers.

 

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  Chapter 1 Takes place during the pilot episode 'Rising'  
> .


	2. Major Sheppard has his way with McKay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _McKay finds himself seduced by the irresistible Major._  
> .

.  
.

 

When Rodney looks up, Sheppard is naked next to him on the couch. Oh my God. His cock is enormous, very long but thick, too. Rodney can’t believe that thing is going to fit inside him. Is it even possible? 

 

The cock is straight and has a clean peach tone, not too veiny, not too anything- It is perfect, like Sheppard himself. Rodney gapes at it feeling a bit scared, as it stands to attention, ready to fuck. He can’t believe this is even happening. This hot pilot guy wants to sleep with him? 

 

He isn’t used to really good-looking people wanting him back. And Sheppard is so, so incredibly hot. Rugged and yet boyish, with those long lashes over big green eyes. His skin is clear and light but not pale. 

 

And that head of hair. That thick crop of dark hair pushing itself out from all angles -it almost looks too messy to be military. Sheppard’s body is lean and strong. He looks so long and graceful, ready to pounce. 

 

Rodney suddenly realizes he is still wearing boxers and a T-shirt. He is really just some average nerd, not out of shape exactly, but not toned or chiseled either. Feeling inadequate, he wishes the lights were off or at least lowered. 

 

Sheppard grabs Rodney familiarly around the waist and turns him onto the arm of the couch. He palms one of Rodney’s cheeks and makes a noise of approval. His hands push up under Rodney’s shirt, along the curve of his back. Then he lowers them, catching and tugging on the waist of Rodney’s boxers. This is all happening so fast. Rodney’s head is spinning.

 

Easing Rodney’s boxers down and pulling them off, Sheppard kneels behind him. Oh God, he can feel Sheppard’s cock brushing against his balls. He pulls Rodney’s shirt up over his head and runs his hands across Rodney’s skin before bringing them back to rest on his ass. Sheppard seem to delight in his ass, playing with it and squeezing it. He even gives it a light swat or two, making a small smacking sound. 

 

He leans away and Rodney hears him squirting the lube. Oh Fuck. This is really happening. Sheppard runs a reassuring hand under his chest and then grabs Rodney’s cock. 

 

Oh. That. Is good. Sheppard is stroking him, teasing him. Rodney has butterflies in his stomach. 

 

Then Sheppard stops. He uses both of his hands to spread Rodney’s cheeks and wet his hole with the lube on his cock. 

 

Feeling afraid again, Rodney shivers. How did he end up here with this stranger? The size of that thing- Rodney feels Sheppard’s fingers enter him, stretching him in preparation, then he feels something much bigger pressing against him. It almost feels like a fist. Sheppard pushes and pushes. 

 

Rodney breaks out into a light sheen of sweat and bears down as hard as he can. He can feel the head start to work its way in. 

 

He stifles a cry of pain as Sheppard holds onto his hips and uses them to push himself in past the ring. The head is all the way in and it burns, it’s on fire. Rodney bites his lip and lets his head fall over his hands, onto arm of the couch. 

 

Oh fuck. Fuck-fuck. It really hurts. He shouldn’t be doing this. Sheppard is pushing in for more. He’s just going to- Oh God. Sheppard tries to get it all the way in one intense thrust, but it just doesn’t give. It’s too big and Rodney isn’t ready. 

 

“You feel so good, McKay. Fuck. I can’t believe how tight you are.” 

 

With smaller movements, Sheppard begins to grind instead. Rodney sighs in relief. This is better. The burn starts to ebb into a pleasant ache where his prostate is being stimulated. The sheer pressure of a cock this size is overwhelming, but Rodney starts to relax enough to accommodate it. 

 

He feels Sheppard start to slide deeper and deeper into him. The pain is gone but he still feels afraid, vulnerable with someone he doesn’t even know. No one has ever been this deep inside him. 

 

Sheppard’s hand closes around Rodney’s cock again and he forgets about the fear. ‘Oh yes. Touch me like that. Yes. Like that’. 

 

Then Sheppard starts to thrust, pumping in and out. Rodney feels like a ragdoll, skewered on his huge cock. He is slumped over the side of the couch, letting Sheppard use his body however he wants to. But dammit it feels good. 

 

His body shakes and heaves as the base of Sheppard’s cock and balls ride up against his ass. Hearing the smacking sound as they slam into him, Rodney feels ashamed of himself for being such a slut.

 

But he is burning with pleasure now. The way Sheppard’s hand is pumping his cock is- Oh, but the ache inside him is even more intense. That huge cock is driving him mad with desire, it feels even better than the hand job. 

 

Major Sheppard is fucking Rodney hard. He has taken him completely, and Rodney feels so out of control. Helpless, he wants to resist this somehow, but he is about to cum. 

 

Helpless. Please, oh, please. God. Sheppard’s cock is so deep. It feels like it is reaching up Rodney’s throat, squeezing the wind out of him. He breathes in time with the thrusts. Oh fuck. Fuck. He is going to cum. Rodney’s body shakes and spasms under Sheppard’s hard shaft, cumming in bright white shock.

 

Sheppard lets go of Rodney’s sticky cock and uses both of his hands to grip Rodney’s hips, pumping into him intensely. Rodney feels the cock in his ass tighten, the cum gushing into him. 

 

“Oh God!“ Sheppard screams. He leans his sweaty brow against Rodney’s back, trembling a little, “Ohhh. Oh my God-Jesus, you are so tight.” 

 

The two of them breathe together for moment. Then Sheppard pulls out of his ass unexpectedly. Rodney makes a noise of discomfort. Sheppard presses his dry palm to Rodney’s back and holds it there for a second, then he stands up. As he hears Sheppard getting dressed and getting his things, Rodney stays hunched over with his face hidden against the couch. 

 

Is Sheppard leaving? Is he going to say anything at all? Rodney starts to feel small. His face is burning with shame. Why did he let this happen? This was a huge mistake. He can’t face this man now, not after letting him do this to him. 

 

Rodney hears the sound of the handle turning and then the door closing. He keeps his face hidden out of fear that Sheppard might still be there. Then he remembers that the door is unlocked and jumps up fearfully, locking himself back in the empty room. 

 

In a panic now, he wants to put his clothes on but he has cum all over him. Rodney rummages and finds some paper towels, wiping his dripping ass and stomach. As he cleans up the spot on the couch as best he can, he feels the wetness dripping out of him again. Sheppard’s cum in his ass. Rodney dries himself once more. He feels so hollow and empty. 

 

It’s like Alex said, no one would ever want him for anything more than just a cum-rag. Rodney vows not to let this happen again, no matter how hot a guy is. Probably just best to avoid guys all together, stick with women- not that they usually want him. Feeling humiliated, Rodney pulls the towel from his crack; the cum is probably done leaking out of him by now. 

 

Collecting himself, Rodney hurriedly pulls his clothes back on. Then taking a deep breath, he opens the door. No one is there. He makes his way to his room and hides in the darkness. 

 

The next day Rodney is sore. When he sees Sheppard in the lab, he can barely make eye contact. He tries not to think about last night, but he still feels the ache of Sheppard’s cock deep up inside him, nearly into his chest. 

 

Strange, Sheppard seems the same as before, casual and easygoing. Throughout the day he makes trips to the lab to speak with Rodney and Carson. They run several tests with Sheppard in the chair. Rodney monitors the results and tries to maintain the same kind of professional detachment Sheppard seems to have. He keeps the dialogue as limited as possible.

 

When the day is over, Rodney opts to stay out of the mess hall and hides in his room, eating some MRE’s instead. Later than night, once he is in bed, there is a soft but unmistakable knock at the door. Bleary eyed, Rodney answers in nothing but his boxers. 

 

It is Major Sheppard. He seems a bit drunk leaning in the doorway. There is a dark and dangerous look in his eyes. Rodney feels his stomach flip-flop. Oh no. He had told himself he was not going to do this. 

 

No, he is not going to- Sheppard’s hand presses onto Rodney’s bare chest pushing him backwards to the bed. Rodney lets himself fall back onto it far too easily. He gives a soft whimper as Sheppard pulls off his shirt. It is dark but he can make out the solid sinewy lines of Sheppard’s chest. 

 

He can’t take his eyes off the man as he unbuckles his pants and swings sloppily onto the bed. Bumping into Rodney as he takes off his shoes, Sheppard lolls his head into him. 

 

The attraction is making Rodney’s mind cloudy. His cock begins to harden as he feels the contact of Sheppard’s bare arm leaning against him. This is the point where he should say no, he should stop Sheppard now. But he doesn’t, God help him he wants this man. And he wants Sheppard to want him. 

 

The Major pushes his pants and boxers to the floor and then pauses. He lifts a finger and smiles like he forgot something and reaches to his fallen pants pocket to retrieve a small bottle. Lube. Rodney swallows hard as he thinks about how big Sheppard’s cock had felt in his ass last night. 

 

“Take them off.” Sheppard gives Rodney a smoldering look. 

 

Rodney knows what to do. He pulls his boxers down and moves up on the bed a little defensively. He lays flat on his back, unsure of himself and worried Sheppard might be too rough given his intoxication. Last night had been rough enough. 

 

As Sheppard lays next to him, Rodney’s feels the inviting warmth of his skin make contact. Sheppard’s hand pushes against Rodney’s hip and rolls him to his side, where Sheppard is guiding him. The Major’s body is warm against his back, he is breathing into the nape of Rodney’s neck, heavy and deliberate. He moves in closer, his cock between Rodney’s cheeks. It is hypnotic as Sheppard moves his body, pulsing and writhing against him. Rodney’s cock is rock hard now.

 

Sheppard leans in closer, pressing his lips into Rodney’s neck, trailing them until he reaches the curve of the shoulder. Rodney lets out a soft cry of surprise when Sheppard’s teeth bite into his flesh. It is enough to let Rodney know The Major is taking possession of him, but not enough to really hurt. 

 

“McKay.” Sheppard releases and exhales in lust. He inhales just as deeply, raking his fingers down McKay’s stomach. 

 

Self conscious of his body, Rodney is glad that it is dark. Sheppard moves his hand to Rodney’s hip and squeezes. He feels his own cock pulse in anticipation. The strong hand rocks Rodney’s hip, sliding his ass against the waiting cock nestled in his crack. Rodney goes limp and lets the man move him any way he wants to. 

 

His cock is bursting now and he feels so guilty that he wants to be used like this. Sheppard reaches back to the table for the lube, then Rodney can feel Sheppard’s cock back between his legs, slick and ready. His fingers are wet too and they press into his tight crease. 

 

Rodney widens his legs to help Sheppard find what he is looking for. The fingers fumble over Rodney’s balls before they find their way up to his hole. Then Sheppard wobbles back away from Rodney, to make more room for entry. He knees one of Rodney’s legs, making him spread wider. 

 

Now Rodney is at an awkward angle, halfway between lying on his side and bending over. He grabs at his pillow with his free arm and hugs it into his chest to stabilize himself. Sheppard sits up with one of his hands resting on Rodney’s back and the other working its way into his pucker. The finger moves inside, opening him, playing just enough to get him wet. 

 

Then Sheppard lies back down, guiding his cock between Rodney’s cheeks. He finds his target and begins to push against the entrance. It is so impossibly big; it feels like it can’t possibly get in. But Rodney knows Sheppard will breach him, just like he did last night.  
Oh, God. It is moving in past the ring and it hurts. 

 

“Ohh.” Sheppard gasps with the effort and stops there for a moment. 

 

Rodney exhales, trying to relax into it; his hard cock is pressed into the bedding, aching.

 

The Major leans his body up again holding himself up with one arm and grabbing onto Rodney’s shoulder with the other. Sheppard pushes his cock deeper and Rodney chokes, trying to catch his breath. It is so intense. Fuck. Breathe. Fuck. 

 

Thankfully, Sheppard has stopped moving momentarily, he pants on Rodney’s shoulder, heavy with lust and the smell of beer. 

 

“So good.” He mumbles.

 

It isn’t even close to being all the way in. Rodney squeezes his eyes in fear and anticipation. He knows what it feels like when Sheppard is all the way in. Like a punch somewhere up inside his stomach that makes his whole spine go to jelly. At first it burns, and then after it stretches, it aches so good, sending waves of pleasure down his legs and up his into chest. 

 

He feels like a puppet that Sheppard controls, completely at his mercy, being used and loving it. The cock slides in deeper, he is grateful that so far Sheppard is being more careful with him than he was last night. 

 

Sounding frustrated that this angle won’t allow him to go as deep as he wants to, Sheppard prompts Rodney “Up.” 

 

He obeys, bowing to his stomach with his legs spread wide for the Major, taking care not to dislodge Sheppard’s cock in the process. 

 

Sheppard moves Rodney into the new position and groans, “Yeah.” 

 

Here it comes. Rodney breathes. Sheppard pushes in all the way. So big-so big-so big. Rodney concentrates and he tries to relax, to get used to the size of the thing. But Sheppard doesn’t wait and begins thrusting deeply into Rodney with desire. 

 

Oh God. It is too much. Rodney squeezes his eyes tight from the pain. He feels like he is isn’t going to be able to take it, he’s still so sore from last night. Sheppard quickens his pace, slamming in balls deep. Rodney gasps as Sheppard grips his legs, spreading them even wider and pulling Rodney up into him with each thrust. 

 

“Please- please-please” Rodney whimpers, as his eyes water from the pain. 

 

Alex said Rodney liked to be hurt. He must have been right. He shouldn’t have let Sheppard in when he saw he was drunk. He shouldn’t have let him in at all. Rodney breathes in time to the thrusts. 

 

The pain subsides a bit and then Rodney starts to feel some enjoyment from all the deep pressure. The friction on his prostate is intense. And the sensation of been fucked so deep, so far inside, is starting to ache so good. 

 

Rodney’s skin burns with passion and shame. He shouldn’t want this, to let someone use him like some kind of disposable toy. It feels wrong and dirty but he can’t say no this man. He wants Major Sheppard to fuck his ass. Even if it means he will hate himself later, Rodney wants it now. It feels so good to be wanted by somebody, even if it is just for a moment. 

 

He fists the sheets to keep himself in place as Sheppard’s thrusts propel him forward. It is all Rodney can do just to breathe and accommodate the cock moving inside him. 

 

“Fuck, McKay.” Sheppard gasps. 

 

Feeling Sheppard’s hand curl around his cock, a thrill races through Rodney’s body. The pleasure begins to overload as Sheppard pumps his shaft, and he feels like a puppet again. 

 

Sheppard is taking him from inside and out. Rodney gives into the sensation, letting Sheppard ride him to the brink of an orgasm. As Sheppard squeezes his cock Rodney explodes, pulsing in staggered waves. As his orgasm slowly subsides, the cock in his ass swells even bigger as Sheppard cums inside him. 

 

“God! McKay.” The Major grips Rodney’s shoulder as he spasms.

 

He waits quietly to see what will happen next. Sheppard stops shuddering and pulls out. Rodney hears him picking up his clothes off the floor and getting dressed. 

 

Right. Of course. Rodney stays on his stomach but presses his legs back together. He doesn’t want to look any more pathetic than he already feels. The Major finishes getting dressed and Rodney hears the door open and close. 

 

Did this just happen? It seems so surreal. He just lies there for a while in the dark. Rodney starts to move and moans. He puts his hand on his lower belly. God, it really aches. Doesn’t hurt too much, but he feels the ache deep inside him every time he moves. He is probably going to be feeling this for days. 

 

Every step he takes, every time he sits down, he is going to be feeling like he got fucked hard by Major Sheppard. 

 

So stupid. Thinking about it now gives him a flutter of butterflies in his stomach. He shouldn’t be doing this. Sheppard is so far out of Rodney’s league and he obviously doesn’t want anything more from Rodney than a quick fuck. As afterglow of the deep orgasm fades, Rodney gives into the great sadness that has overtaken him 

 

He sighs and turns the light on to clean himself up. After changing the sheets and wiping himself down with a damp cloth, he puts on some fresh boxers and gets back into bed. He feels so pathetic and worthless. To hide his shame and let the oblivion of sleep take him, Rodney turns the light back off. 

 

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This Chapter takes place during the pilot episode 'Rising'  
> .


	3. Taken in the supply closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Despite the fact that Rodney hasn't recovered from a recent trauma, he finds himself drawn in by the elusive Major, helpless to his touch and feeling far more for him than he really should._  
> .

.  
.

 

Seeing Sheppard the next day is so disconcerting. It is weird how natural he seems, as if nothing has happened between them. Rodney joins in the act and serves Sheppard some acerbic barbs. The Major serves right back, bantering easily, seeming to enjoy himself. It unsettling how comfortable this man feels intruding into Rodney’s life and personal space. 

 

In public, Sheppard appears to have no special interest in Rodney. He doesn’t treat him differently. It’s like it never happened. It probably won’t again. Rodney loses track of Sheppard after work and spends the evening catching up with Carson over dinner. 

 

When Rodney gets ready for bed in his quarters he thinks about Sheppard. He has the stupid thought maybe Sheppard will come for him again. Rodney feels excited by the idea then kicks himself for being so pathetic. He won’t come, even if he does, Rodney vows to send him away. 

 

Yes, the man is sexy and he makes Rodney cum like he’s never cum before, but the price to his self-esteem is too high. After Alex, Rodney had thought that was the last time, the last time he let someone use him and make him feel low. 

 

But here he is 6 months later, giving himself to the first man that wants quick fuck. No, Rodney won’t do it. He turns on his pillow with resolve. Then he hears a soft knock. It can’t be. The knock comes again. All Rodney has to do is leave it unanswered, but his body feels like it is not his own. He feels himself rise and walk to the door without any internal struggle. He has no willpower at all. 

 

And there he is. The sexy pilot, leaning into the door frame with an easy smile. His eyes are clear tonight, sober and sparkling with desire. 

 

Sheppard opens his wide pouty lips, “I couldn’t stop thinking about you all day.” 

 

Rodney gulps. Sheppard has been thinking about him? He moves back to let the man into his room. Sheppard closes the door behind them and starts to take off his clothes.  
Rodney stands awkwardly before he thinks to do the same. 

 

Oh God. What is this man going to do to him tonight? It doesn’t matter. Whatever he wants, Rodney knows he will let him do it. He shivers. Then he feels Sheppard stand behind him and run his warm hands up and down Rodney’s chest. Though Rodney has always thought his chest his least attractive feature, he submits to the attention. 

 

“I couldn’t wait for tonight,” Sheppard says as he rests his chin on Rodney’s shoulder. 

 

Speechless, Rodney has butterflies in his stomach. Sheppard’s hands play lower along his belly, finally reaching for Rodney’s hard and ready cock. His knees go a little weak as Sheppard’s sure hands grip the shaft. He nudges Rodney toward the bed and lays him down on his side. 

 

Sober Sheppard seems more certain of what he is doing. He props Rodney’s head on a pillow and moves his legs open at just the right angle for Sheppard to fuck him on his side. He lubes his cock and lies down next to Rodney. His fingers gently play and wet Rodney’s hole. Breathing heavily against Rodney’s back, he moans as he places his cock against Rodney’s entrance. 

 

He doesn’t force it, but gives it to Rodney in inches, working his way in. Rodney feels light and fluttery, he likes this softer approach. One of Sheppard’s arms is wrapped around the front of Rodney’s chest, holding them close together as Sheppard grinds slowly up into him. It feels amazingly good. As the cock hits the parts of Rodney that felt bruised earlier, the sensation changes to one of a pleasurable ache. 

 

As the Major works his way up, deeper and deeper, Rodney clutches at his arm for support trying to take in the entirety of the massive cock. Sheppard lets Rodney hold onto his arm, seeming to be okay with this small amount of intimacy. 

 

Then Sheppard moves his other hand onto the soft flesh between Rodney’s hips and presses back, arching Rodney’s ass even closer. Rodney feels them together both breathing heavily in satisfaction. Sheppard moans with desire as he begins to circle his hips, making small thrusting motions. 

 

Gasping, Rodney feels his body melt; it feels good to let the Major do whatever he wants to him. It feels so damn good. The movement starts to rock more deeply, thrusting lightly in and out. Sheppard presses Rodney’s chest firmly into himself and starts to play with Rodney’s cock. He begins lightly, dancing his finger around the base and balls, then teases the tip. 

 

Finally John’s strong hand takes ahold of the length and strokes him. Rodney flutters as the cock inside him moves faster and with more intensity. He groans and trembles under Sheppard’s movements. What has this man done to him? He can’t think straight. 

 

Sheppard winds the tension up higher and higher until Rodney is out of control, moaning and muttering incoherently. He takes Rodney over the edge, screaming when he cums. Then Sheppard drives deep into Rodney’s ass losing control himself.

 

“God. Fuck. McKay!” 

 

Still holding onto one of Sheppard’s arms, Rodney doesn’t want him to go. This time felt almost tender, almost close -at least compared to what it had been. But Sheppard sighs and pulls away, leaving Rodney alone on the pillow. 

 

This time Rodney doesn’t feel quite as ashamed as he hears Sheppard getting dressed and leaving. He doesn’t know why he wants this man so much but he will take what little he can get. Tonight felt so good, he has to admit to himself that he isn’t going to be able to say ‘No’ to this. He will let Sheppard take him, take control, regardless of how much it terrifies him. 

 

The next week and a half is a confusing jumble of activity. Everyone is so busy trying to prepare for the expedition, even if they don’t know whether or not they will be allowed to go. It all depends on whether the IOA will allow them to use up a big chunk of the ZPM energy that powers the chair weapons platform. 

 

During the day, Sheppard is always the same with Rodney. Lightly bantering, detached and amused by his surroundings. Then at night, he comes for Rodney, sometimes rough and hard, sometimes more careful. Rodney can’t predict the moods; just that Sheppard will come to him, wanting, and ready to fuck. 

 

He feels thoroughly used, yet enjoying it. Sheppard fucks Rodney like he’s never been fucked before. Usually it is raw and purely sexual. But some nights, when Sheppard is almost gentle, Rodney lets himself imagine it could develop into something more. A silly fantasy that fades when Sheppard abruptly takes his leave. 

 

Rodney knows Sheppard just wants to cum, and when Sheppard is finished, he is done. But Rodney has come to crave the time he spends with the man, even at work. Though they snipe at each other frequently, it feels familiar, like they are buddies, almost. 

 

When Sheppard tells Rodney that Elizabeth has asked him to join the expedition to the Pegasus galaxy, Rodney’s heart skips a beat. 

 

The idea of having Sheppard near him, not having to stop whatever this is -it sounds too good to be true. Rodney gushes and tells him that it is the opportunity of a lifetime and that he should say yes. Sheppard looks pensive and unsure. 

 

“Look,” Rodney tells him, “I know you kind of like Antarctica and all, but this is the sort of thing that most people don’t even get to dream of doing. Only the very best and brightest have gotten the opportunity-“ 

 

“Whereas, I got a lucky gene.” Sheppard cuts him off with a sardonic smile.

 

“It doesn’t matter why.” Rodney continues, “You should really consider that this is an amazing opportunity.” 

 

“Okay,” Sheppard smiles again, this time more amused, “maybe I will.”

 

Later that day, Rodney is walking down a corridor by himself when sees Sheppard walking toward him with a strangely dangerous expression on his face. As he gets closer to Rodney, he stops in front of him. 

 

Rodney raises his eyebrows. 

 

“I’m coming to Pegasus.” Sheppard growls, “Just have to get my stuff from McMurdo.” 

 

His eyes narrow at Rodney, then he looks around the hall tactically. Rodney wonders what Sheppard is looking for and turns to see himself. 

 

Suddenly Sheppard’s strong arms grab Rodney around the waist. He opens a nearby door and peers into the small dark storage closet. Pulling Rodney in, he shoves him up against the wall and he bites his neck. 

 

“Ahhh.” Rodney cries out, “Wh-What are you doing?” 

 

Pushed flat against the wall, Rodney hears the Major unbuckling his pants. 

 

“Wait. I-” Rodney is anxious; Sheppard has never been like this before, “I don’t know if this is such a good idea, I-“ 

 

The two of them wrestle a bit as Rodney struggles. Sheppard keeps him pinned as he drops his drawers; he is fumbling with Rodney’s pants now. 

 

“No,” Rodney isn’t able to put up much of fight and protests instead, “Wait.” 

 

Easily holding both of Rodney’s hands with one of his, Sheppard he uses his other hand to finish undoing Rodney’s pants. 

 

“I know you want it.” Sheppard whispers, “Tell me you don’t want it and I’ll stop.” 

 

Panting from the struggle, Rodney tries to think. Of course Sheppard knows he wants it. Sheppard knows he can take Rodney however he wants, whenever he wants. Rodney is as shaken by this realization, as he is by Sheppard’s sudden attack. He lowers his eyes silently to his pants around his ankles. 

 

When Sheppard pulls down Rodney’s boxers, he is completely hard. 

 

“Now.” He leans into Rodney’s ear sounding satisfied, “Tell. Me. That you want it.” 

 

“I,” Rodney swallows, his face warm with shame. He whispers, “I want it.” 

 

Roughly spinning Rodney around, Sheppard leans him against a low shelf. He grabs and squeezes Rodney’s pert, full ass, playing with the cheeks and slapping them.

 

“Mmm. So tight McKay. So fucking tight.” 

 

Sheppard rustles with a small bottle. Oh thank God, he brought lube. Quickly lining up his target, Sheppard spreads Rodney’s cheeks and pushes in. 

 

“Ahhha!” Rodney cries out. 

 

“We just gotta be quiet.” Sheppard holds his hand over Rodney mouth as he thrusts his way into the tight hole. 

 

“Mmph-Mmph. Ohhm. Mmph.” 

 

Rodney’s cries are muffled. Unprepared to be taken this fiercely, he whimpers into the Major’s hand as he pulls in and out of him, deep and fast. His eyes water and he moans against the shock of penetration, hoping that the pain will pass soon. 

 

“-Mmgh –Mmph-Uhgg –Ughh -Mmm” 

 

As Rodney stretches, his muffled noises become less frantic. Sheppard reaches for Rodney’s wilting erection and pulls on it. There is pleasure but it has a sharp edge to it. It is all so intense. Sheppard wants to cum fast and he is trying to take Rodney there with him. 

 

The scene of it all, humiliating at first, is now turning Rodney on. He gives in and sags into the shelf, letting Sheppard have complete control. He hates that being used turns him on, he feels so helpless with Sheppard fucking him like this. But Rodney cums fast into Sheppard’s hand. 

 

“God. So hot.” Sheppard rasps as he turns his full attention to penetration, “Your ass is so fucking tight.” 

 

Driving deep, Sheppard rides the orgasmic ripples; his body shaking against Rodney as he swells and releases, spurting his cum into Rodney’s ass. 

 

“Ahhhhh. Oh. So fucking tight.” He pulls out releasing Rodney’s hips.

 

“I’ll be gone for the night at McMurdo.” Sheppard quickly pulls his clothes on before closing the door behind him. 

 

That had been hot. But Rodney feels bare, conflicted. He just wishes he and Sheppard were closer. It feels so weird to let somebody he hardly knows have all that control over him. 

 

Sheppard probably thinks Rodney is as pathetic as he feels. He knows Rodney will let himself be used. For some reason Rodney lets himself hope that there could be more between the two of them, that he could be closer to this man. Still, he’s glad to have a night off. Rodney is so sore now and doesn’t think he could do it again tonight. 

 

But that night when Sheppard doesn’t come, Rodney misses him. Not just the sex, but having someone interested enough in him to want to spend time with him. He hates how pathetic he is. 

 

After flying back the next morning, Sheppard acts casual and aloof. Obviously Sheppard didn’t miss Rodney. The day is unspectacular and Rodney finds himself retiring early. Afraid that Sheppard won’t come, he is relived when he hears a knock at the door. 

 

When Rodney lets him in, Sheppard smiles but his eyes look serious. Instead of stripping right away, Sheppard sits on the end of the bed. Rodney follows him and sits nearby, waiting. 

 

“I got my stuff.” Sheppard turns his face to look at Rodney.

 

Perplexed, Rodney answers, “That’s good.” 

 

“It’s just,” Sheppard shifts his weight on the bed, ”I wasn’t planning on leaving here. At least for a long time.” 

 

“I think you made the right decision.” Rodney smiles. 

 

Sheppard furrows his brows like he is uncertain but nods. Then he gets up off the bed. Turning on the bedside lamp and the overhead light off, he stands by the door taking Rodney in. 

 

What does this guy think of him? Rodney feels insecure and small. Sheppard breaks his gaze and pulls the lube out of his pocket, placing it on the nightstand. Then he begins to strip. 

 

This part Rodney knows; he takes his clothes off even though being under the light is making him feel awkward. But Sheppard looks at Rodney as if he likes what he sees.  
Rodney starts to turn over, but Sheppard’s hands stop him and roll him onto his back. 

 

Kneeling over him on the bed, Sheppard takes Rodney in again with his eyes. Rodney shivers a little under his gaze. Sheppard’s heavy palm touches Rodney’s chest; he stares at it, moving both his hands over Rodney’s chest and stomach. 

 

Then Sheppard lifts one of Rodney’s arms that are plastered to his side. He rolls his fingers up and down the length as if there is something about he enjoys. He releases Rodney’s arm and runs his hands over Rodney’s cock and then down his legs. 

 

He examines one of Rodney’s legs in the same way he did the arms. Rodney has always felt self-conscious about his scant amount of body hair, especially on his legs and chest. But Sheppard smiles in a way that eases his insecurity. 

 

As Sheppard folds his legs up into a bent position, Rodney understands. Sheppard wants to take him from the front. Looking thoughtful for a minute, Sheppard then uses his easy access between Rodney’s spread legs to play with his cock. 

 

Closing his eyes, Rodney lets himself relax. Sheppard is taking his time tonight, he is not demanding. He nurses Rodney’s erection before wetting his own cock with lube. Then he lifts Rodney’s legs higher than he was expecting. 

 

Surprised, Rodney’s eyes go wide as he feels his legs being lifted over Sheppard’s shoulders. Sheppard gazes down at him and smiles softly; the expression on his face almost seems tender and Rodney relaxes again. Sheppard positions himself to enter but leans forward so that he is looking down at Rodney’s face. He watches him intently at he begins to push his way inside. 

 

As the head begins to breach him, Rodney’s mouth goes wide and his breath hitches. He is hyperconscious now of the faces he is making. He bites his lip and inhales sharply as Sheppard sinks in. 

 

Little gasping noises keep escaping him each time Sheppard drives his cock deeper.  
It feels intense, but it doesn’t hurt, Sheppard is watching closely and making sure he doesn’t go too fast. Rodney feels so exposed and vulnerable. Pulses fluttering, like some sort of current radiating through each time Sheppard moves inside him. 

 

And Sheppard is watching him, seeing how much he moves Rodney, seeing how he can make Rodney feel. Sheppard keeps the pace slow and steady, sensing just the right timing needed to keep Rodney’s eyes rolling back in his head. Rodney can’t fight this. He surrenders to Sheppard as he always does, letting himself be lifted into pure ecstasy.

 

He feels bared with Sheppard staring down at him, so strong and intense; Rodney can’t read the expression. His eyes flutter up and back again. Sheppard seems to know just when Rodney is ready for more. Thrusting harder in and out, Sheppard uses the lift he has on Rodney’s legs to pump into him. 

 

Rodney cries out in pleasure. He is completely under Sheppard’s dominion and Sheppard has discovered just how to use Rodney’s body, to play it like an instrument. As he gasps and moans, he can hear Sheppard moaning too. 

 

God. His cock is so hard and Sheppard isn’t even touching it. Rodney feels like he could cum just from this. He loves this feeling of John’s cock moving inside him. Rodney hasn’t let himself think of him as John before. But he wishes he could call the man who has so much power over him by his first name. Oh. John is touching his cock now. Oh. It’s too much. He is cumming-

 

“Oh God! John!” Rodney screams out without thinking.

 

Sheppard’s cock swells inside him. He shudders and groans, finally letting go of Rodney’s legs as he pulls out. Catching his breath, Sheppard leans back to the end of the bed for a minute resting on his hand. 

 

It feels like Rodney has broken some kind of unwritten contract by using Sheppard’s first name. He hadn’t meant to. Rodney watches him anxiously. Without meeting his eyes, Sheppard pushes himself off the bed and collects his things.

 

This time Rodney watches him get dressed. He is surprised by how shaky and nervous the other man appears. Sheppard is always so confidant but the look on his face now is almost fearful. Carefully keeping his eyes averted, Sheppard’s hands seem to tremble as he pulls his clothes back on. When he is finished he leaves without a word. 

 

For some time Rodney lies there unmoving, wondering what could possibly be going in Sheppard’s head. Whatever it is, there is a lot more to the story than Rodney knows. 

 

Tonight, at least for a while, it seemed they were close in a different way. But now Sheppard is gone and he feels lonely and unlovable again; disgusting for wanting sex with someone who only wants to use him. Rodney just came harder than he ever has in his life, but Sheppard doesn’t care about him. He knows Sheppard isn’t mean; he just didn’t care for Rodney that way.

 

And Rodney likes Sheppard so much, whether it is fucking or just talking at work. Rodney wants to be around him whenever he can. It scares him how much he wants this man. It is pathetic and stupid. Looking down at his pale hairless body, Rodney feels contempt. Why would anyone feel anything other than disgust for him? 

 

He tries to keep the darker thoughts away, the ones at the edge of his mind. But the sound of Alex’s voice crowds into his mind. Rodney curls himself into a ball and tells himself to calm down. 

 

Nothing good will come of remembering the past. He can’t let it ruin the little bit of pleasure he has been able to find since then. Rodney forces himself to stand; he cleans up and puts on some fresh boxers. Feeling a little less vulnerable now, he turns off the light and curls back into a ball on the bed.  
.  
.  
.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place during the pilot episode 'Rising'  
> .


	4. The last time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _His secret affair with Sheppard begins to feel more intimate and Rodney can't stop himself from wanting something more._  
> .

 

.  
.

When Rodney wakes the next morning he feels empty and still so tired; like he got no sleep at all, only nightmares. Fortunately they have faded. Though he is pretty sure they were about Alex. Rodney gets ready for the day in a haze.

 

A terrible sick knot is stuck in the bottom of his stomach. He doesn’t even feel like eating. He will have to force himself. There is a lot to do today; the military and the IOA, the civilian oversight committee that runs the Stargate program, have both given the expedition the green light. It will be less than a week now before they head to the military base in Colorado Springs where the Stargate is kept.

 

Rodney still can’t believe that he called Sheppard by his first name last night. So embarrassing. The fact that Rodney sees very little of Sheppard throughout the day leads him to believe that he has made a fatal error.

 

Of course, Sheppard would be repulsed by the idea that Rodney might want something more familiar with him. Sheppard doesn’t care about him. He had never misled Rodney to think otherwise. It is a very emotionless arrangement. They both cum and that is all there is to it. But Rodney has gone and fucked it all up, now he wasn’t even going to get that.

 

.  
.

 

That night, Rodney can’t help but hope that Sheppard might come after all. But the window of time in which Sheppard would usually knock comes and goes. It is late and Rodney can’t sleep. He decides to take a shower to try and relax. The showers here are pretty nice by Antarctic standards and the water rationing not as severe.

 

He is taking some deep calming breaths under the hot water when he hears a noise. Startled, he looks up and sees Sheppard. Glorious and beautifully naked Sheppard. He is so tall and lean. He looks very Irish, with those green eyes and a thick mop of black hair. His skin has a pale golden hue and his face is achingly handsome.

 

It’s hard for Rodney to place his finger on what exactly makes him so impossibly good looking. It is everything. The playful glint in his eyes, the sinuous curves of his torso and limbs, the soulfulness in his face, and of course that perfect cock. Rodney’s stomach flips when he sees him.

 

“I thought I might find you here.” Sheppard seems at ease, setting his clothes down on the bench, walking from around the pillar by the door and right up to Rodney.

 

Why would it ever occur to Sheppard to look for him here? Rodney gapes in wonder as Sheppard runs his hand up his back. God, he has missed that touch so much. It has only been since last night, but he has missed it. He could almost let himself believe that Sheppard missed him too.

 

There is something in the way Sheppard is touching Rodney that is different, more intimate. Rodney knows he is probably just coloring in emotions that aren’t there because he is feeling so much for this man.

 

Sheppard’s hands run over his chest, touching him with such familiarity. He cups Rodney’s ass and squeezes it affectionately. Moving his lean body up against Rodney’s back, the two of them stand there together skin on skin under the water.

 

This feels different. He wants to turn around and face Sheppard, to touch him, kiss him. But Rodney knows somehow that wouldn’t be allowed.

 

Leaning down with his head on Rodney’s shoulder, Sheppard rests it there. “I want you.”

 

Oh. Rodney trembles with emotion. Sheppard wants him. He wants him back. Without moving, Rodney reaches for a bottle of conditioner. Sheppard understands what Rodney is thinking and takes it from his hands.

 

While putting some on his cock, Sheppard leans his head into Rodney’s shoulder. To keep from washing lather away, Rodney turns the water off. Sheppard reaches his long arms around, pulling him back into his chest and moving Rodney to face against the tiled wall.

 

With his head burrowed against Rodney’s shoulder, Sheppard hugs Rodney’s chest in a possessive yet gentle way. His other hand wraps around Rodney’s waist and then strokes over his hips and stomach. Lightly caressing him, the hand works down to his waiting cock and Rodney gasps. Sheppard slowly pumps the shaft and teases the head before trailing his fingers back to Rodney’s ass and preparing him.

 

They both moan as Sheppard slowly eases it in. There is a desperation about the way Sheppard is touching him tonight, like he is trying to reach something in Rodney that he hasn’t gotten before.

 

But he is not rough. When he gets his cock fully inside, he sighs with relief, moving with a shallow, even tempo. Each time it seems like he can’t get deep enough. He pushes Rodney into the wall, but the arm that is hugging around his chest protects him from the force of the thrust.

 

Rodney knows he is kidding himself to believe that this time is different, but it really feels that way to him. When Sheppard moves inside him, he feels less helpless and more held. The way Sheppard is leaning his head into his neck and shoulder feels so intimate. Rodney moans as the thrusts get stronger, he feels so taken by this man. It feels so right.

 

When Sheppard moves his arm down to stroke Rodney’s stiff cock, he feels himself unraveling. Light is bursting through him and pulsing out to his extremities.

 

Every part of his body is orgasmic. He realizes that Sheppard is cumming too as he spasms and drives his cock in, trying to get even deeper. Sheppard lets out a cry and goes slack. His body slumps against Rodney’s and they just stay there breathing together.

 

After a time, Sheppard touches Rodney’s back gingerly and pulls out. As Sheppard stands behind him, the hand remains on his back. Then almost reluctantly, it drops away.

 

Uncertain of what happens next, Rodney stays facing the wall. He wants to believe this time is different somehow, but he doesn’t want to watch Sheppard walk out. Really, he doesn’t want Sheppard to see his own face, how pathetic he feels each time Sheppard leaves.

 

It is quiet for a moment. Sheppard is still behind him, Rodney wants to turn around and-

 

No, Sheppard is leaving. Gathering his things, dressing-

 

As the door closes, Rodney feels all the air go out of him. He clings to the wall for support, so empty. A sob is stuck in his throat. Everything that Alex said is true. Rodney is disgusting and worthless. No man will ever want him for anything more than a throwaway fuck.

 

He wishes he were something different, better. The wetness streaking down his face confirms how pathetic he truly is. Rodney gives up as the emotion tears through him and lets himself slide to the floor. The choked sob escapes his throat, but it isn’t enough. Another sob, and then another, well up, push out of his chest.

 

The room seems like it is closing in on him and Rodney feels so alone and afraid. He hugs his knees into himself and lies there brokenly on the cold tile floor.

 

Sobs come heaving out of him now. In between, when he can catch his breath, he whimpers, “Please-please-no.”

 

His body shakes involuntarily against the intrusion of the old painful memories.

 

“Please. No.” He twitches again violently; there is no stopping the tears now. Rodney feels so pathetic and disgusting. He is so stupid for wishing Sheppard cared about him.

 

No one will ever care about him. He is so stupid and alone. All he can hear is Alex in his head over and over.

 

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* * *

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.

 

John stops himself and turns back down the hall to the shower. He had wanted something more tonight. He doesn’t know what, but he still wants it from McKay.

 

He turns the doorknob quietly and steps in. The post obscures him, but he sees around the corner. McKay is slumping onto the floor. He looks hurt and afraid. He is choking and trying not sob. It is the saddest thing John has ever seen.

 

McKay looks terrified and curls into a ball, sobbing, “Please-please-no.”

 

His body is shaking like something horrible has happened to him. What happened to him?

 

Oh my God. Is this is how John makes McKay feel? He doesn’t know what he did wrong, but somehow, he has done something very, very wrong.

 

“Please. No.” McKay shakes and sobs wretchedly, begging for it to stop.

 

John feels sick to his stomach. He thought McKay had been okay with this. Is it possible that McKay didn’t really want this? He doesn’t know, only that he has hurt this man without realizing it. He hurt him even though he really, really didn’t mean to. The last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt McKay.

 

Silently backing away, John returns to the hall. He is horrified with himself. This can never happen again. Never again.

 

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* * *

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.

 

The following day Rodney doesn’t see Sheppard in the lab at all, which is odd. Rodney asks Carson if he knows where Sheppard is. He says the Major isn’t coming with them after all and has gone back to McMurdo.

 

“Oh.” Rodney feels a dull pain and tries to hide it.

 

Carson continues, “Yes, well Elizabeth isn’t happy about it. She said the expedition needed people like Sheppard.”

 

Reviewing the math absently, Rodney returns to his work, his plans to tie the energy of the ZPM into the Stargate. If his calculations are correct, and they always are, it should be enough to send them the long distance to the Pegasus galaxy.

 

Once more he feels the dull pain. He hadn’t known last night was the last time. Had Sheppard known then?

 

The last time.

 

He will probably never see Major John Sheppard again. Rodney had known it was bound to end eventually, but he still feels incredibly sad.

 

The next few days are a blur, getting everything finalized, packed up. Most of their supplies and secondary team members are sent ahead to the SGC headquarters where the Stargate is located.

 

As Rodney boards the C-130 military plane destined for Cheyenne Mountain, he is shocked to see John Sheppard's face again. Afraid to meet his eye, he turns to Elizabeth, asking her why he is here.

 

"Let's just say," She smiles, "It goes a long way when a commanding General orders someone to go."

 

"You really went that far?" Rodney tilts his head.

 

"I did." Elizabeth looks satisfied.

 

Trying to sort through his complicated feelings, Rodney doesn't approach Sheppard. Okay, so, they are going to be working together. Rodney can do that. Sheppard has always been decent at work, friendly, bantering.

 

Despite how fucked up Rodney feels about everything, he really likes the guy. Well, he more than likes him, he still longs for his touch. But he is okay with Sheppard, mostly. He can be okay with this.

 

When they arrive at the SGC, he and Sheppard stay far apart. Rodney soon looses track of him. He is so ecstatic that his ZPM interface works, that he forgets about his other insecurities, proud of himself for being so brilliant.

 

As Rodney watches, the giant metal Stargate in front of them begins to move. The gate activates by spinning several times, turning back on itself like a lock combination, before eventually stopping. A rush of blue liquid appears in the middle, at first flowing out toward them, then collapsing back into a gentle ripple along the surface.

 

They send in a robotic MALP to determine viability of life support on the other side; the control room announces they have a go.

 

This expedition is likely to be a one-way trip to the Pegasus galaxy, but Rodney has never been more excited in his life. Entering the event horizon, green hues curve out in front of him in arcs and spirals. There are blinding flashes of light and then just darkness as he steps forward into the unknown.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place during the pilot episode 'Rising'  
> .


	5. Why John Shot Rodney in the leg

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _After unspoken misunderstandings end their romantic involvement, John and Rodney begin to forge a different kind of connection._  
> .

.  
.

 

Everything that has happened since arriving here a couple days ago, defies belief. John’s mind is still reeling from all he has learned about the Stargate program, now he is trying to integrate a whole galaxy and threat. 

 

These creatures here, the Wraith, remind him of a demented tale from a children’s storybook… sucking the life out of their human victims with their hands as they absorb the energy. They regenerate each time they feed, able to live for hundreds, perhaps thousands of years; culling the planets of this galaxy, as humans would cull a herd of cattle. 

 

John stares out across the darkened water that surrounds the floating outpost, or rather, the star-shaped city they have dubbed Atlantis. 

 

Ignoring the sounds of gaiety and celebration behind him for a moment, he thinks about how precarious their position is. Stranded, without the power of a ZPM, they have no weapons or shields. They can use the Naquadah generators to dial local gate addresses, but they are sitting ducks.

 

Elizabeth had insisted on celebrating when John came back from the rescue mission; making a big party for the expedition and their new Athosian allies. 

 

He still feels out of place, being the only member of the expedition who didn’t actually volunteer. He isn’t one of the ‘best and brightest’ of the many countries represented here. Funny, he hadn’t realized that McKay was Canadian until he saw the uniform with a maple leaf flag on it…

 

It’s not that John hadn’t wanted to come. What he had been trying to avoid, was his guilt, over what had happened with McKay. If he is going to be working with the guy again, he should try to make things right somehow. 

 

He grips the balcony, thinking about the man he failed to bring back, Colonel Sumner. It doesn’t feel like a successful mission to him. As Elizabeth joins he and Ford on the balcony, she hands each of them a glass to toast their victory. John lifts his cup and obliges her, but his face is cheerless. 

 

"You did good, John." Elizabeth tells him.

 

"I don't know about that." John tells her honestly. He thinks about the Wraith Queen’s dying words, warning him that by killing her, he had awoken the Wraith from their slumber –ALL of the Wraith, she had said.

 

Elizabeth meets John’s eyes, "Hey... There was no way you could have saved Colonel Sumner." 

 

"I have to live with it." He looks at her blankly.

 

He will never forget image of that creature sucking the life out of Sumner until he was nothing more that a gray husk, begging for John to end his suffering... And John had done it. He had fired the shot to end Sumner’s life.

 

Sighing he tells her, "I'm beginning to think you were right. I have made things much worse. I haven't made us many more friends out there." 

 

"No?" Elizabeth turns to face the huge vaulted gate room behind them. It is teeming with members of the expedition as well as Athosians, "Look around you." 

 

Teyla, the leader of the Athosians moves forward from a neighboring railing, "I agree Major Sheppard." She places her hands on John's shoulders and leans her head in. 

 

John has seen the Athosians greet each other by touching foreheads and wonders if this is the gesture she is trying to make. He leans forward uncertainly and tips his head to rest on hers. 

 

Lifting her head back, Teyla tells him, "You have earned both my friendship and that of my people. With our help, you will make many more friends."

 

.  
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* * *

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Rodney stands next to Carson awkwardly eating hors d'oeuvres. He watches Teyla give an embrace, an Athosian "hug" to Sheppard. In the moonlight, Sheppard looks so striking. Rodney feels a twinge of jealousy that he has never been alluring - or maybe it's jealousy that Sheppard... 

 

He feels little flip-flops in his stomach as remembers Sheppard's hands on him, the force of Sheppard's cock deep inside him. Never mind, best not to think of such things. Rodney walks away kicking himself for caring. 

 

He had been so relieved when Sheppard made it back safely from the mission, but now he feels soured to the whole situation. Technically, now that Sumner is gone, Sheppard is the ranking military commander. How did this happen? Rodney is the genius that has been working with the military, like, forever. 

 

Rodney's the one with all the know how. This guy, just drops in from McMurdo one day and has the stupid blind luck to have the Ancient gene that activates the technology. Now the pilot with the 'I don't give a fuck' attitude is technically in charge of the military arm of this Pegasus expedition. 

 

The pilot who had fucked him... fucked him repeatedly and acted like it never mattered... He... had fucked Rodney, and used him, and Rodney still aches for more... It’s all so pathetic. Great, and now this guy can order him around him on 'his' own project. None of it is fair.

 

.  
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* * *

.  
.

 

John sees Rodney inside standing next to Dr. Beckett. He meets John's eye and quickly looks away, walking back into the crowd where John can't see him. 

 

Elizabeth speaks again, "One more thing, Major, something I'd like you to sleep on. I have a few thoughts on it myself." 

 

"Thoughts about what?" John asks. 

 

"Who the members of your team might be." Elizabeth continues. 

 

John lifts a corner of his mouth in amusement, "My team?" 

 

"Well, you are the ranking military officer now..." Elizabeth explains, "Or do you need to be reminded of that?" 

 

He blinks, silently pensive. John is not the kind of guy to be in charge. He is the fuck-up, the one they sent away to get rid of. Of course, Elizabeth and her International Oversight Advisory are the ones calling the shots, but still, second in command seems…

 

"We need to get back out there, do what we came to do." Elizabeth says firmly.

 

"You realize that could get us into all sorts of..." John smiles and leans on the railing, "trouble, right?" 

 

Elizabeth smiles back and nods unafraid. 

 

McKay is the first person that comes to John's mind. He doesn't need to sleep on it. Despite everything, John still wants to be close to him in some way. John enjoyed all the time spent bantering with him and trying to piss him off. Besides, McKay is always bragging about what a genius he is, maybe that would come in handy. 

 

Who else? Teyla, the hot leader of the their new Athosian allies seems like she could handle herself in a fight, plus it would be a diplomatic choice. Military? Lieutenant Ford would do just fine. Right, easily sorted. John sighs, feeling a little better, almost even pleased with himself.

 

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* * *

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.

 

Over the next few days, Sheppard appears constantly in Rodney's lab pestering him about what he is working on. It seems Sheppard has nothing to do right now but annoy Rodney. It is his new pastime. Seriously, The guy pops in and out all day. 

 

Rodney finds himself acquiescing, albeit reluctantly, to his new sidekick. But Rodney is sure to never let himself quite seem to be a willing participant. He rolls his eyes and snipes at Sheppard whenever possible, secretly he is glad to be in Sheppard's company again. 

 

Maybe that is one of the reasons he agrees to try Carson Beckett’s experimental ATA gene therapy. Odds are only about 50/50 that it will work, but he'll take what he can get. He just wants to be able to use Ancient technology like Sheppard. God, Rodney has got to stop thinking about him so much.

 

Throughout the day he eagerly fumbles with the small green jewel-thing that sits in his pocket. He has an idea about what it is used for, and he wants to show Sheppard. But Rodney wants to be the one to activate it, if this new gene therapy works. 

 

Mid-way through the day it powers on. Eureka! He pulls it out of his pocket in excitement and attaches it to his chest. It stays there and a green energy pulse washes over him. 

 

If Rodney is right, and he thinks he is right, this device acts as some kind of personal defensive shield. He runs like an eager kid to show Sheppard… and possibly, hopefully taunt him with Rodney's newfound abilities. 

 

It’s about lunchtime, Rodney should be able to find him in the cafeteria. He spots Sheppard disposing of his tray and decides to come back later for his own lunch. This is more important. 

 

“Major!” he calls out.

 

Sheppard gives a polite nod as Rodney approaches, “McKay.”

 

“We found something very important. Only someone with a strong gene like yours should be able to control this Ancient technology. Come with me.”

 

Lifting his shoulders amiably, Sheppard agrees, “By all means.”

 

Rodney takes them to a large warehouse room with an upper and lower level. Some of the expedition supplies are stored here. The room has a nice wide-open area, perfect for what Rodney has in mind. He stages himself in the middle and waits for Sheppard to join him.

 

“So…” Sheppard looks confused, “I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do?”

 

Smiling with a bit of condescension, Rodney tells him, “It’s okay, you aren’t capable of understanding the complexity of this technology. That’s why I’m here. All I require from you is a bit of brute force. Which I’m sure, as soldier, you should be able to provide.”

 

Sheppard frowns at him as if he is trying to decide whether the insult was intentional or not.

 

Clearing his throat, Rodney lifts his chin, “Major, will you please attempt to move me from this spot.”

 

When Sheppard merely tilts his head at him, Rodney begins again, “I am using an Ancient device, one that I believe will make my strength superior to yours. I require your assistance in testing it. If you like, you may begin with a simple punch to the-“

 

“Ahha. Ah.” Sheppard’s fist glances off the side of Rodney’s face. He looks up in wonder, “What the hell was that?”

 

“That,” Rodney tells him smugly, “Would basically make me a superhero.” 

 

Rodney smirks that his new toy that made him tougher than the Major. “We could try something else?”

 

“Oh yeah.” Sheppard looks around the room conspiratorially and lifts up a large piece up metal tubing. “You ready?”

 

Nodding in excitement, Rodney feels nothing as the bar goes flying out of Sheppard’s hands with the force of the momentum. 

 

“Okay.” Sheppard tells him, “So you have a good defensive strategy, let’s see if you can attack.”

 

“What?”

 

Jumping in front up him with his fists up, Sheppard challenges, “Hand to hand combat.”

 

“Oh, I don’t kno-“ Rodney sees Sheppard’s fists recoiling from the force of the green shield and his confidence grows. He jabs out a right hook into Sheppard’s chest and watches in amusement as he flies across the room.

 

“Major!” Rodney runs to him, “Are you all right?”

 

As he gets closer, he can hear Sheppard laughing and climbing down from one of the cargo crates. “That was really cool.”

 

After that they try out all kinds of scenarios, hitting Rodney with different objects, having him jump off of a steep ledge. Sheppard seems as giddy and playful about Rodney's new personal shield as he is. They run all around the city looking for new ways to test it out. Out of breath and laughing, Rodney races to keep up with Sheppard. 

 

This is the most fun he is had in a long time. It feels thrilling that Sheppard is treating him like one of the guys. It almost feels like they are friends now instead of reluctant comrades. 

 

“Okay… What haven’t we tried?” Sheppard strokes his chin.

 

“Bullets.” Rodney’s eye’s flash, “I bet it repels bullets too!”

 

“Uhhhh.” Sheppard frowns. “Might not be the best idea.” 

 

Sighing, Rodney tries another tactic; “You know that I’m a genius, right?”

 

“Ah, you keep telling me that.” Sheppard says tightly.

 

“Okay, when I say genius, I don’t just mean genius. I’m talking, probably the smartest person that ever lived.”

 

“Ever? As in Einstein, Newton, Hawki-

 

“EVER.” Rodney exaggerates “So when it comes to this little device, I’m sure I could easily create another one… Would you like one?”

 

Sheppard grins, “That would be very cool.”

 

“See, then we could be like a superhero team. Mine’s green, so I could be… ‘The Green Hawk’. Yours will be pink, so you could be ‘Pinky the Brain’” Rodney lifts a finger “–no wait, you’re not smart.“

 

“Mine would be Pink?!” Sheppard frowns angrily.

 

“Yeah, well, they can’t both be the same color…” Waving his hand as he thinks, Rodney tries out a few names, “Pink Magic… Pretty in Pink…”

 

“You know what,” Sheppard’s mouth twists into a sour expression, “forget it, McKay.”

 

“Or…” Rodney taunts, ”you could shoot me and pick your own color?” 

 

Sheppard rolls his eyes. ”I’m not going to shoot you, McKay” 

 

“’Pink Princess Power’… you might need some tights to go with that one though.” Rodney notices Sheppard’s hand drift down to his holster and decides to keep going.

 

“‘Pretty Pink Pony’… you could have a little tail… and we could braid bells into it,” Rodney sneers, “so the bad guys know when you’re coming.”

 

The gun comes out; Sheppard points it at him, but still shakes his head –unsure if this is a safe idea.

 

“Ooo- Oh. Oh. I got it. ‘Cotton Candy’ It’s perfect because you may not have a lot going on upstairs,” Rodney smirks as he taps his temple. “but physically you can-“

 

Sheppard’s eyes go dark and he squeezes the trigger. A bullet glances off of Rodney’s thigh and he stares down in amazement.

 

“That. Was awesome!” Sheppard shouts. Grinning like a kid, he tells Rodney, “Still… I think I’m gonna call this thing ‘Idiot Armor’, since even you can make it work.”

 

Rodney gives him a sarcastic glare, but finds himself quickly pulled back into Sheppard’s fun-loving excitability. Sheppard has another idea. He wants to see if Rodney can take the fall all the way down from the tall balcony in the Gate Room. Rodney takes the challenge and follows to the upper level. 

 

Once there, Rodney eyes the distance nervously. Leaning on the railing, he peers down.

 

"If you just step up a little, I can push you over the edge." 

 

Sheppard raises his eyebrows expectantly at Rodney. His eyes are full of mischief and makes Rodney feels invincible. 

 

"Okay, I'm ready." He tells Sheppard as he steps up.

 

And then he is flying over the railing. He hits the floor below and hears Sheppard's voice laughing, asking people incredulously, "Did you see that?" 

 

"I'm fine." Rodney proclaims raising his arms, as he jumps up unharmed.  
.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place during Season 1, Episode 3 'Hide & Seek'  
> .


	6. It’s a MYTH that size doesn’t matter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John wants Rodney to be part of his team... just, he hasn't gotten around to telling him about it yet._  
> .

.  
.

 

Looking up at Sheppard on the balcony, Rodney sees him smiling like he never has before. Rodney is grinning so hard himself that his face hurts. When it comes to Sheppard, he feels too exuberant to worry about danger the way he normally does. 

 

But when Rodney reaches down to pull the shield off, his own hand doesn't pass through the shield. This isn't how it is supposed to work. He doesn't understand. Suddenly all his normal fears and anxieties come rushing back. He should have been more careful. He has to get this thing off of him. He wonders if Sheppard can tell how scared he is now. 

 

Rodney attempts to drink or eat but nothing can get through the shield. He concentrates and tries to will the thing off of him. Waiting with his eyes closed, nothing happens. "I'm a dead man," he moans.

 

Feeling sorry for himself and wondering why no one else seems to be as concerned, Rodney mopes in the control room. Elizabeth is outlining safety precautions for the staff as they explore the city, how it is important that no one touch anything they are unfamiliar with unless it's been cleared first. 

 

"It's very important." Rodney adds bitterly, "I mean, you never know. Even a tiny, little innocuous thing can... can kill you." 

 

Rodney raises his hand and looks at Sheppard uneasily, "Dead man talking." 

 

As the senior staff assesses different aspects of the massive city structure, he continues to sulk. The Command personal will each be required to memorize their own 16 digit self destruct code... 

 

"Well, don't bother giving me one." Rodney interrupts, thinking no one is taking his situation seriously enough.

 

Elizabeth continues to explain how if the city is attacked, they must consider this as the last line of defense against Earth. Two codes will be required to overload the Naquadah generators. 

 

"You sure it'll do enough damage?" Ford asks.

 

With a weary expression, Rodney leans over the console. "Ever see a 20-kiloton nuclear explosion?" 

 

"I have." Sheppard sounds nonchalant.

 

He looks up at Sheppard in shock. Sheppard seems uncomfortable that all the eyes in the room on him now; he shifts his hands on his hips and takes a dismissive tone, "Not up close." 

 

Rodney wonders, not for the first time, what Sheppard's story is, what he was doing before he got to McMurdo. He could easily hack into the files... Rodney has never minded using his skills that way before, but somehow with Sheppard it would feel too much of an intrusion.

 

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* * *

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.

 

John is more worried about McKay than he is letting on. Elizabeth seems to think that the green thing will drop off when McKay is calm enough. 

 

True, it doesn't make sense that the Ancients would design a personal shield to kill someone. But he is still a little concerned. 

 

He has already asked Teyla and Ford to be a part of the team but he hasn't said anything to McKay yet. He seems to pretty freaked out right now about the shield not coming off. And it feels like McKay is just starting to relax around him again. 

 

John doesn't want to aggravate him too much right now, once this shield thing has been sorted out, he will try to have a talk with McKay and convince him to say yes.

 

His mind is drawn back to the present crisis developing. They are getting reports of sightings… some kind of strange shadow-like creature on the loose. 

 

Elizabeth thinks it is possible that a Wraith presence is projecting illusions. McKay runs some diagnostics and thinks it might be related to the wild power fluctuations the city has begun to experience.

 

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* * *

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.

 

Rodney feels weak but moves from his console when he sees Sheppard enter the control room. 

 

He is so drawn to Sheppard. He can barely think straight without eating or drinking all day and night, his body drawn toward the other man automatically. 

 

He hears Sheppard’s voice talking to Elizabeth. He hears himself talking as well. But he feels so far removed and lightheaded. Not long after that, the lights flicker overhead and then everything goes black. 

 

"McKay! You with us? McKay?" He wakes up with Sheppard peering over his face; he is curling his hand over Rodney’s shoulder, shaking him through the force field.

 

Other faces from the control room are looking down at him as well. "Are you okay?" Sheppard asks.

 

"Can you stand up?" Sheppard is still has his hands over Rodney’s shoulder.

 

Nodding, Rodney isn’t quite sure, but he doesn't want to seem pathetic around Sheppard. He can stand. Sheppard helps him to his feet, then pats Rodney’s back, or rather the the shield around his back.

 

"We're going to the infirmary." Sheppard tells Elizabeth. Then he nods at Rodney, "After you." 

 

Rodney walks past everyone staring at him, feeling sorry for himself. As they make their way to the infirmary, Sheppard walks closer than he usually does, out of sympathy maybe for the fact that Rodney is dying. 

 

After some tests, Rodney sits on an infirmary stool expecting to hear the worst. He must be very close to death now.

 

"He fainted." Carson makes his pronouncement.

 

"There's got to be a better word." Rodney objects.

 

"'Faint' is the proper medical term." Carson tells him.

 

"I passed out.” Rodney argues. “From mainly hunger." 

 

Sheppard sounds amused, "Well, hang in there."

 

Rodney blinks to himself feeling stupid. 

 

He hears Sheppard radio with Elizabeth, "Dr. Weir, this is Sheppard. Ah, McKay's okay. He... He fainted." Sheppard makes a taunting face at Rodney.

 

"Oh, yeah,” Rodney yells after Sheppard as leaves the room “it's very sympathetic. Let's all mock the dying man!" 

 

Despite his glum condition, Rodney returns to the control room and dispenses some advice about the creature that seems to be drawn toward energy sources. Waving an uneaten Powerbar he has been clutching, Rodney tells the room, "If this thing feeds on energy we could be in big trouble. And when I say 'we', I mean 'you' because I won't actually be around for much longer." 

 

Rodney bravely forges on, going with John to investigate the anomalous energy readings in another section of the city. A transporter box takes them to a room where he finds the containment vessel once used to trap the energy creature. He concludes that the Ancients captured the being for research purposes, probably to study Ascension. 

 

When Sheppard asks what Ascension is, Rodney can’t believe how little this guy knows about the Ancients. He explains with some exasperation. 

 

"Well, at some point during their evolution, the Ancients reached an, uh, advanced stage of being where they were able to rid themselves of their physical bodies and rise to a higher plane of existence, one in which they live as pure energy." 

 

Upon studying the device, it turns out to be much simpler than he thought. Telling Sheppard and Elizabeth, “It's kind of like a mousetrap." He shows how the device emits an energy signature that attracts the creature.

 

"The only downside,” He explains, “is it looks like someone's actually going to have to be here to press the buttons." 

 

"I'll do it." Sheppard volunteers.

 

"Okay." Rodney agrees and turns to go. 

 

Elizabeth stops Rodney and suggests that he would be a better volunteer for the job due to the protection of the personal shield. 

 

At that moment the shield suddenly detaches from Rodney's chest.  
He catches it before it falls to the floor. God, he is so hungry, he rips the wrapper off of the Powerbar he's been carrying around and bites in enthusiastically. 

 

Sheppard narrows his eyes. 

 

Elizabeth gives him a dismissive look, "I had a feeling". 

 

"What do you mean? Had a feeling about what?" he mumbles with a mouthful of food. 

 

Then he realizes what Elizabeth is implying and walks back over to her. "What, you think I wanted it to come off just now? You think I'm scared? I'm not scared. I'll stay. I'll do this" 

 

"No, that's okay," Sheppard gives Rodney a mocking look, "-you might faint again". 

 

He flounders, "Look, it's just not working anymore that's al- look" Reaching out to Sheppard, he presses the device to his chest "See, it doesn't work on you either" 

 

Rodney is so thirsty now he needs something to help him swallow the food. 

 

"I just meant that it wasn't going to let you die," Elizabeth takes a diplomatic tone.

 

"It is just a coincidence that it happened to stop working now." Rodney objects. "God I need a drink!" 

 

"Go." Sheppard gives him leave.

 

He quickly avails himself of some much needed food and drink. When he returns to the control room Rodney bites into food wrap he stole from the kitchen. 

 

With a mouthful of fresh food, he asks Elizabeth if she is ready to turn the off power, so Sheppard can capture the thing. She gives the go ahead and the control room shuts down power in the city. Rodney chews and waits. 

 

"It's coming." Sheppard speaks into the com.

 

Rodney looks at Elizabeth in anticipation. 

 

"I think we're going to need a bigger boat." Sheppard speaks into his headset.

 

"Size doesn't matter". Rodney replies.

 

"That's a MYTH" Sheppard quips.

 

Jesus. Rodney nearly chokes on the food in his throat but maintains his composure. "It'll FIT." 

 

He quickly continues on with a scientific explanation to make his remark seem as innocuous as he intended. 

 

"The device traps the creature in subspace. You just need to be sure it gets all the way inside the containment vessel." 

 

So unfair that Sheppard can get away with an obvious innuendo like that and nobody bats an eye. 

 

Was that remark directed at him? 

 

Was Sheppard trying to remind him of how huge his cock was? That he had taken Rodney with it? He somehow feels dominated all over again, at the Major's mercy. 

 

Well, it had fit - just barely though. Rodney feels empty and hopes his reply had sounded... 'All the way inside'? 

 

He hadn't really thought it through. Probably best left that way. The Major was just being... well, the Major. Rodney thinks he did a good enough job of sounding like the oblivious scientist. If Sheppard was trying to get a rise out of him, it appeared he had failed. 

 

From the outside, at least.

 

But the creature doesn’t go for the ploy. It must be smarter than he thought. They try rigging up a Naquadah generator to MALP, to get the creature to follow it into a wormhole, but that doesn’t work either.

 

It hovers just at the entrance to the Stargate. The MALP must have lost power before it made it though.

 

"It could be feeding off the generator or off the Stargate." Rodney tells them, "I mean, this is a disaster." 

 

He tries to shut the gate off but the controls are dead. Glancing at Sheppard, he suddenly feels the need to prove he is strong enough, not afraid. He grabs the shield device out of his pocket and wills it back on. 

 

His stomach is sick with dread but he backs away from the group, quickly walking down the stairs and toward the creature before he changes his mind. He hopes to God this shield will really protect him.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

John is alarmed when he sees McKay making his way down the stairs. What is he doing? He doesn't need to do this to prove himself. He's not a soldier... 

 

"McKay?" he yells jumping to action to try to stop him. 

 

It is too late. McKay already immersed in the darkness. John's chest rises and falls sharply as he stands at the edge of the dark void. McKay... 

 

Wait. The creature seems to be finally moving, retreating and disappearing through the open wormhole. When it is gone, McKay is lying on the ground next to the MALP. The Naquadah generator is gone too; McKay must have thrown it through the wormhole.

 

John runs down the rest of the stairs and drops to the ground next to him. He is unsure of how to touch him. When John had touched his arm earlier, there had been the barrier of the shield between them. He hasn’t actually touched McKay since... 

 

Well, before today, John hasn't really touched McKay since John pulled out of him, that night in shower. It's too much. He shouldn't be touching McKay at all. 

 

But John pushes the thoughts aside and reaches tentatively for him anyway. He touches lightly just above McKay's wrist. Gently, just to let him know that he is here. 

 

Then John pulls back for a moment, surprised that the momentary contact has made him flush with warmth. He reaches back to grasp the arm more firmly, feeling anxious as the rest of the team arrives to stand around McKay’s body. Is he unconscious? Lifeless?

 

Running his fingers softly up the inside of McKay's jacket arm, John uses his other hand to activate his com link, "Medical team to the Gate Room!"

 

Next to him Elizabeth is talking, "He's breathing" 

 

Eyes wide with adrenaline, John looks up at her in relief. He is still touching McKay, willing him to be better. 

 

And then, McKay wakes up. 

 

Elizabeth rests her hand protectively on his chest. "McKay?"

 

"What happened?" McKay asks.

 

"You did it." Elizabeth smiles proudly.

 

"I did?"

 

"It went through the gate." Elizabeth reassures him.

 

John pulls his own hand away and smirks, "You must have passed out"

 

"Well,” McKay smiles, “thanks for not saying the other thing."

 

Yeah. He is going to be just fine. Despite whatever fears McKay may have, he can actually be quite brave... for a scientist. In fact, McKay is going to make a fine member of the team, -just as soon as John tells him.  
.  
.  
.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place during Season 1, Episode 3 'Hide & Seek'  
> .


	7. You can call me John when we're off duty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Still captivated by John and his attentions, Rodney agrees to leave the safety of his lab for dangerous field missions._  
> .

.  
.

 

Rodney continues to feel perplexed by how often Sheppard seeks him out. Sheppard obviously isn't interested in Rodney sexually anymore or else he would be coming for him a different way. Sheppard usually just takes what he wants. But Rodney is happy for the attention in any form.

 

He hasn't had a lot of friends in his life, and isn't used to people trying to spend time with him. Skipping so many grades made him a target for bullies. So, Rodney had learned use his words to cut his attackers and get them to back off.

 

He had retreated into his own mental world of math and physics. And it had stayed the same throughout college and his professional life; Rodney kept mostly to himself.

 

No one really bullied him after high school, but he always felt the need to defend himself. Not that anyone really noticed him; mostly he seemed invisible.

 

The only way Rodney knew how to get attention romantically or otherwise was to push himself to the other extreme, coming on way too strong and overbearing. Almost always, he was rejected, but occasionally it had worked.

 

Rodney wonders if he and Sheppard are friends now. It has almost felt that way the few weeks. The two of them have been exploring some of the unknown sections of the city at night. It has been fun, kind of scary and thrilling. He is glad Sheppard has a gun with him, just in case. So far, there have been no monsters, just old labs and equipment.

 

Tonight, Rodney doesn't wait for Sheppard to come to the lab; he leaves early and goes to find Sheppard in the control room. Sheppard looks up as he approaches, his face has that slightly amused expression.

 

"Ah,” Sheppard turns to Elizabeth, “we're going to... go check some stuff out."

 

Elizabeth looks to Rodney and back to Sheppard, "Let me know what you find."

 

"Will do." Sheppard stretches up from his seat.

 

When they get to the transporter, Sheppard points playfully to the map on the controls, "Which way should we go?"

 

Rodney randomly selects a section with his finger and the doors close. When they open again it is very dark. Rodney waits for his eyes to adjust. But Sheppard makes his way out into the hall. His long gun has a small light on it that beams into the darkness.

 

And then the lights start to flicker on, not too bright at first; just enough make their way down the corridor. Sheppard lowers his gun and starts to move briskly.

 

"I don't see what the big rush is, this stuff had been here for thousands of years..." Rodney yells after him.

 

"Major?" Rodney calls out as he tries to keep up.

 

Sheppard stops and saunters back to Rodney. Rodney has to stop himself abruptly so as not to run into him. He comes to a standstill about a foot away.

 

There is an unreadable expression on Sheppard’s face as he looks at Rodney, "You know, you can call me John when we're off duty."

 

Out of breath and trying to seem unfazed, he meets Sheppard's stare. It reminds Rodney of the way he looked at him the night he took Rodney from the front. As Sheppard's eyes meet his with a silent intensity, Rodney remembers the feeling of his hands, his fingers slowly working him open, twisting up into him as Sheppard readied him to take his cock.

 

Sheppard's mouth curves into a small side smile.

 

Rodney swallows. So, he is allowed to call him John now?

 

His mouth feels dry, he opens it to speak, but nothing comes out for a moment. He is transfixed under Sheppard's gaze. Oh. He feels flutters in his chest the way he did that night Sheppard had held Rodney's legs over his shoulders and fucked him slow, folding his body over Rodney's and watching his face to learn what Rodney liked while he moved inside him...

 

Finally he finds his voice, "Uh, okay... _John._ "

 

It feels strange saying his name like that. He blinks, offering his first name in return, "Rodney."

 

This is so weird; it is like they are introducing themselves again, and he feels so nervous.

 

"Okay..." Sheppard's smile widens, "Rodney. Let's go."

 

He gestures and Rodney follows. He follows... John.

 

They find a lab that looks interesting and Sheppard fiddles with some of the controls even though Rodney told him not to.

 

"Look, don't touch that... you never know."

 

"You're touching things." Sheppard is flippant.

 

"Well, I'm qualified." Rodney purses his lips, "and you should just wait for me to- "

 

He stops speaking as Sheppard leans close in over his shoulder to look at a screen. Losing his train of thought, Rodney trials off, "Just..."

 

As he moves hands over the controls, he can feel Sheppard's eyes on him. Rodney feels his skin flush with warmth and he looks up at Sheppard from the corner of his eye. Sheppard has that affable smile he often does. Where was he?... Rodney looks back down the controls.

 

"You know,” Sheppard's lazy voice comes from behind him, “I was thinking... Just a thought, here. But you might want to consider coming out with us in the field."

 

"Hmm. No thanks." Rodney frowns at the screen.

 

"So, that's your answer?" Sheppard turns around next to Rodney, leaning his back on the console.

 

"Answer to what?" Rodney looks up at him.

 

"I'm trying to ask you to be on my team." Sheppard sounds exasperated.

 

Is he serious? Rodney gives his full attention now. Confused, he blinks a few times, staring again.

 

"Okaaay... So, now I'm supposed to go out in the field too? Risk my life at every opportunity?"

 

"C'mon McK- Rodney," Sheppard lowers his head in a mischievous way, "It'll be fun -finding all kinds of new Ancienty devices-"

 

"Ancienty," Rodney cut him off sarcastically.

 

"It's a word." Sheppard gives him his best smile, head tilted down, eyes looking up with those dark lashes.

 

And Rodney loses the will to argue. Whatever fear he feels is overcome by a crushing sense of pride that Shep-John has chosen him. He can't say no to John.

 

"Okay," he blurts out.

 

"Is that a yes?" John tilts his head looking pleased.

 

"Okay... Yes." Rodney nods with more clarity.

 

Then John flashes Rodney a smile that he could almost mistake for being flirtatious.

 

.  
.

 

After a sudden rush of air, Rodney is inside the cockpit with everyone else. Ford must have succeeded in getting the Jumper through the wormhole all the way -they can’t have been in pattern buffer long.

 

Rodney turns to see Teyla pull herself out from under John's lifeless body.

 

Oh, God... he looks so crumpled like that. Rodney's stomach drops. Oh, no-no-no-no. He knew this was a bad idea.

 

At least they got rid of huge bug thing that was sucking the life out John. They had tried everything, even firing a gun into it, but it had just kept regenerating itself. Teyla says it was related to Wraith somehow.

 

They had stopped his heart to get it to let go of his neck. It had worked, but they hadn’t been able to bring him back.

 

Ford steps in from the back of the Jumper; at least he is alive. They are all alive... Just not John. Rodney is jittery, moving towards John's body where it lies motionless.

 

Biting on his thumb, Rodney rocks his chest slightly in apprehension. The ship lifts into the Jumper bay where a medical team is standing by. He can see John’s lean, lifeless chest, with the dog tags hanging to the side.

 

He remembers seeing those dog tags… falling so perfectly from John's long chest when John had fucked him…

 

They aren't going fast enough! John is just lying there. Rodney feels no elation at getting the Jumper or himself back safely. It's all empty, just a deep dread about John's condition as he watches the medical team try to revive him. All he can do is stand by, helpless, and feeling far worse than anything he thought possible after this day’s misadventure.

 

Carson jolts John's chest with the paddles. Nothing. The heart rate stays flat.

 

"Again." Carson makes another try.

 

Nothing is happening.

 

Someone lifts a respirator over John's mouth and pumps air in.

 

Rodney hears the flat tone of the machine. It is supposed to be beeping with the sound of a heartbeat.

 

He watches as Carson leans over with a stethoscope. That isn't going to do anything. Help him. God.

 

The tone of the monitor shifts. A blip, and then another. Then it goes flat again. No, no, no, no.

 

Carson preps the paddles a third time.

 

"Well done, Rodney." Elizabeth says to him; he had barely noticed she was here.

 

"We'll see." Rodney's tone is bitter as he watches John in desperation.

 

The machine beeps again. Oh good, good, it is still beeping.

 

"We've got a pulse." Carson confirms.

 

The sounds keeps ticking, it stays steady. Rodney holds his breath.

 

"Getting stronger... He's going to be okay". Carson sounds confident.

 

Okay, okay. Rodney still can't stop holding his breath. He has to walk out of the Jumper to get his bearings.

 

His hand pulls back across his brow and over his hair. He paces back and forth, in and around the hanger bay. He isn't used to being this affected by someone.

 

He still has that empty feeling in his stomach. Like he has lost something… Like he's lost his friend. He's not very good at this; Rodney hasn't had a lot of friends.

 

Then he walks back into the Jumper, shifting his feet nervously as he looks at John's face and chest. So achingly beautiful, John looks so peaceful and beautiful.

 

Fuck. Rodney has to leave. It’s too much. He walks back out of the hanger to be alone. He has to get back on solid ground.

 

Making his way to his quarters, Rodney tries not to think about John. After he takes a shower and changes out of his uniform, Rodney starts to feel like himself again. He heads down to see John in the infirmary. They should have covered his chest with something by now.

 

He sees Ford, Elizabeth, and Teyla are already there. And John is shamelessly flirting with the blonde nurse attending his neck wound. Flirting seems like second nature to Sheppard. Maybe that's just how he is with everyone...

 

Typical.

 

Doesn't matter, Rodney is just happy he's alive. And happy isn’t something Rodney feels too often, it's nice.

 

Before Rodney leaves, John looks up at him with sincere gratitude, "Thank you... again" There is no disaffected, affable haze. He means it.

 

John doesn't blame him for his bout of cowardice earlier in the Jumper. He doesn't think Rodney is liability. John's just glad they got out the mess.

 

As he leaves the infirmary, Rodney's happiness soars and he swells with contentment. Again, something he doesn’t feel too often.  
.  
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.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place before and during Season 1, episode 4: 'Thirty Eight Minutes'  
> .


	8. Flirtatious flying lesson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _It's been 98 days since he met John Sheppard and Rodney's whole world has changed._  
> .

.  
.

 

It's been 98 days now since Rodney first met John Sheppard. Everything had changed since then. The only time they have really been apart was when John changed his mind about coming to Pegasus and went back to McMurdo for 5 days.

 

Rodney always knows exact figures. Numbers come easily for him. He normally just knows things like this. It isn't because of John or anything. He knows lots of numbers off hand. Like, well... It doesn't matter.

 

Rodney just thinks it's weird that they've become so close over these last 98 days. His life before John Sheppard seems distant, unimaginable now. Sometimes they hang out with the rest of the team, but a lot of nights, it is just the two of them, looking for mischief.

 

They explore little sections of the huge city. They walk out along the ocean on the piers. They tease and make each other laugh. John is one of the only people Rodney has ever known who rebuffs his sarcasm and arrogance as if they were barriers that didn't exist. Rodney feels too transparent with him, John always seems know how to banter back and hit a nerve. So infuriating. But a lot of fun.

 

He tries to put the rest of it out of his mind. Not to let himself stand too close. But John doesn't seem to have that problem with personal space. He is always waltzing right up to Rodney in his amiable, lazy manner.

 

Up close, too close. Rodney starts to feel things he shouldn't when John stands too close. Maybe it is just another way for John to try to taunt him. Rodney does his best to seem unbothered, but if he is honest with himself, John always seems to have the upper hand, by just a little bit.

 

Rodney smiles to himself and turns his attention back to the diagnostic he is running in the Jumper bay with some guy… What’s his name? Zelenka, Radek Zelenka –what a mouthful. Rodney spots command subroutine he hasn’t seen before. Then he hears a noise and looks up to see a roof panel open to the sky.

 

Lifting his head back to stare, Rodney gapes, "I had no idea the roof could do that." Oh, he has got show this to John, he will love this.

 

Rodney radios right away to tell him what he found. John sounds excited and tells Rodney he will be by to check it out as soon as he is finished up with something. He waits in the hanger, buzzing with barely contained excitement.

 

"Rodney." John comes in with Ford and smiles at him.

 

John and Ford walk briskly into one of the shuttles. Rodney trails behind and then realizes that Ford is sitting in the copilot seat.

 

Oh. He swallows his disappointment. He had thought maybe John would take him since... Oh well, it doesn't matter. He finds something else to work on.

 

When the two of them get back, Rodney is annoyed to hear they found a whole continent on the planet.

 

"It's huge." Ford brags.

 

"Define huge." Rodney thinks about something he shouldn't for a minute.

 

"15 million square miles..." John answers, "Well, give or take."

 

Rodney takes a place on the opposite side of the briefing table and fumbles with his fingers on the surface. He tries to hide the fact that he feels left out.

 

John tells them it is only a 25 minute trip. He points a finger, "And, I saw some sweet breakers on the South tip. There may be surfing in our future."

 

Rodney tries to smile. That is probably another trip John won't invite him on. He has never been very athletic. Bet Ford can probably surf.

 

He turns his mind to more practical matters like the possibility of food production. Now that the Athosians want to move to the mainland, it might be a beneficial arrangement for the both of them.

 

.  
.

 

Great, John has some cracked idea to capture a Wraith that will probably get him killed. Rodney is starting to regret joining this ‘team’, but follows the others to the armory.

 

He rubs his palms together nervously standing next to John, who is wearing one of those long black T- shirts that hug his lean body so well.

 

Oh God, he is standing so close. John never seems to have the slightest problem assuming intimacy with Rodney's personal space.

 

It's just good that Rodney knows now it doesn't mean anything. John just likes toying with people. Rodney creases his brows together and tries to concentrate on the task at hand.

 

"You seem nervous," John looks at him intently.

 

Fuck. "No." He quickly adds, "I'm a part of this team. I'm doing this." Rodney stares straight ahead.

 

Still staring at his face John adds coolly, "Yes, you are."

 

Rodney turns to look at John but then John turns away from his gaze.

 

"I just said you seemed nervous," John adds.

 

With John looking away, Rodney shifts his gaze straight ahead again.

 

"Oh, really?" Rodney quips with a little bite to his tone, "I thought you said 'Rodney you don't have to do this’." He adds a little side glare in case John didn't catch his tone.

 

Good, Rodney just sounds like he is having nerves about the mission, not anything else like sexual tension... John is just trying to get under his skin -and like always, he manages to.

 

"Yes, you do." John smiles up at him blithely.

 

"Damn right I'm doing this.” Rodney says defiantly, “Despite the fact that feeling hasn't completely returned to my extremities."

 

He hopes reminding John of how he almost got taken as prey when one of those Wraith stunners hit him on the last trip out. He hopes it will make him feel just a little bit guilty.

 

No way to ever tell with that impassive face.

 

Rodney tries to calm himself with the fact that at least the Wraith use non-lethal weapons to stun their prey rather than kill them. All the better to eat them with later that way.

 

By the time they are suited up and ready to head out John is dressed looking like the regular Major. Still sexy very though...

 

On the planet, John has Rodney team up with him. Is it to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't fuck anything up?

 

Rodney crouches against John feeling almost like real soldier until the Wraith show up. Not much of a soldier after all. Too bad all the energy got drained from his personal shield device. He can't stop staring at his gun and wondering if he's going to be able to stand up and shoot.

 

"You still seem nervous." John leans into him, this time there is no teasing in his voice, it sounds gentle.

 

"No, it's good- it's good," Rodney sputters out too quickly "- I'm all good. All good." His eyes are downcast and he tries to say something else but his mouth just moves wordlessly. God he feels pathetic.

 

John turns around, trying to get a look at the enemy, then signals Teyla. The explosions don't seem to take as many of them out as they'd hoped.

 

When John stands to start shooting, Rodney finds his body mirroring John's movements and he is squeezing the trigger too. The combined fire takes most of them down. Teyla chases one into the woods.

 

John moves to the last one standing in the clearing, "This one's ours boys!"

 

Rodney moves without thinking, joining John in the clearing and firing his Taser so they can take it captive as planned. The Wraith looks unconscious but he seems to have had time to activate a self-destruct. Suddenly everyone is running for shelter as fast as they can.

 

He lies in the grass, choking on dust when he hears the Major's voice nearby, "You okay?"

 

"I'm fine, Rodney answers as he stiffly rolls onto his back, trying to breathe and sound relaxed, "I'm fine. This is... This is fun for me."

 

The Major jumps up easily and runs off after Teyla to help capture the Wraith. By the time Rodney is getting himself up off the ground Teyla and John have managed to bring the remaining Wraith to the gate as a prisoner. As they all head back to Atlantis, Rodney is thankful it is over and he didn't embarrass himself too badly this time.

 

.  
.

 

Lately, John has been too obsessed interrogating his Wraith prisoner to make their evening card games. Rodney doesn't understand why John is spending so much time with the Wraith. It's not like it’s going to break and talk. And it isn't going anywhere from behind that strong Ancient holding cell.

 

Without John, the 3 of them decide to play Rummy instead. Rodney prefers playing Spades, partnering up with John against Teyla and Ford.

 

Teyla, of course, insists on popcorn, which she has become addicted to, even though that is more of a movie tradition. But Rodney decides he is too listless to play the game. He makes an excuse and calls it an early night.

 

On the way back to his quarters, John catches up to him. He has brought Rodney an extra sandwich. Brightening, Rodney eagerly agrees to head down for some exploring on the East pier.

 

They search a number of rooms that night, and return eventually to one of the more interesting ones to eat their sandwiches. They were here once before, when John asked him to join the team.

 

Everything springs to life as soon as they enter. It is quite an impressive layout, with several unusual looking ancient consoles and huge view screens. Rodney sits in one of the chairs examining a large screen with a map on it.

 

He takes a bite of the sandwich. Oh that is really good. He mumbles to John, "It must be some kind of geological facility, look this map must represent the Lantean mainland."

 

He feels John leaning in close behind him. "Cool." He tells Rodney.

 

Then a warm hand drops onto his shoulder, Rodney gets goose bumps as John peers at the screen with him. He decides that as much as he hates the way John intrudes into his personal space, he loves just a little bit it more.

 

.  
.

 

Over the next few weeks, Rodney doesn't see John as much he would like. John's still busy with his Wraith prisoner. But rather than waiting for John to come to him, Rodney finds himself venturing out of his lab to seek John out whenever possible.

 

John has agreed to give Rodney a flying lesson and this afternoon, Rodney is going to take him up on it. He finds John down in the makeshift shooting range that the military has set up and waits for him to empty his clip.

 

If John could hear him, Rodney would make some sarcastic remark, about how hard it must be to make holes through a piece of paper. But he has to admit, John is a really good shot. John steps away and takes off his ear-set.

 

The way he smiles when he turns and sees Rodney, makes Rodney's skin tingle. He saunters up close, just a little too close. Rodney's own smile is less warm.

 

He blinks nervously at John, trying to hide whatever he is feeling, "Uh, hi."

 

"Hi." John is easygoing and unreadable.

 

"Ah, I was just hoping," Rodney presses his palms together nervously, "if you had time, maybe, uh, I could take you up that flying lesson?"

 

"Let's go." John lifts his hands in bemusement and lifts his brows.

 

Right. Okay. That was easy. John likes the fly so this should be-.

 

"This way." John taps Rodney on the shoulder as he walks ahead.

 

Rodney knows the way to the Jumper bay. Why does John always have to walk too fast? He follows John into Jumper. John takes the copilot seat and Rodney takes the pilot's chair.

 

"Okay, now what?" He is a little out of breath.

 

"Turn it on." John drawls.

 

Right, right. With his mind. Rodney feels the systems coming to life, seeing the lights flickering on. He lifts his hand uncertainly over the panels on the console. John gets up off his seat and crouches next to him.

 

"You want hold on here, and don't let go." John reaches his hand down, almost under the panel and points to where the joysticks are located.

 

He has seen John fly before, he should have remembered. Rodney grips it in his palm.

 

Then John reaches down and closes his hand over Rodney's. Oh. There are flutters in his chest and lower, in his cock. God. As John presses his fingers down and Rodney feels there the buttons on the joystick.

 

"Here." John explains, "And here... You're going to want to... do this." He tilts the joystick showing Rodney the kind of motion he is going to want to make. His hand is warm and dry.

 

"Okay." Rodney squeaks out.

 

"Keep holding on and..." John moves back to his seat and retracts the ceiling panel, "Now lift it with your mind."

 

The Jumper quivers and moves shakily upwards. Not smooth and clean the way John does.

 

"Good start." John tells him, "Just try to keep it steady. Think in your mind about where you want it to go."

 

It shoots up quickly, too quickly. Had Rodney been thinking about space? They almost hit the side of a building on the way out.

 

"Whoa." John stops him, "Just hold it here for a minute."

 

Can he do that? Yes... Yes, the Jumper is coming to a halt.

 

John pulls up a screen of the mainland on the front window, "How about we head here and do some slow flying over the mainland?"

 

Rodney puzzles at the image, "I don't know where that-"

 

"Just think about it." John gestures with relaxed wrist.

 

Looking at the image first, Rodney closes his eyes trying to concentrate; he can feel something happening. When he opens his eyes the Jumper is moving again.

 

"Okay,” John looks at the screen, “not exactly on course, but in the general direction. That's what we want to see."

 

Rodney glances over to the handsome pilot next to him.

 

John smiles. John has a lot of different smiles. Most of the time they are some variation on some sort of bemusement. He seems flirty and assessable but still so detached, unreadable. It's like nothing can reach him, least of all Rodney.

 

But Rodney smiles back, he feels like he is starting to get the hang of this thing when the radio crackles. The Control Room is calling them back.

 

"Rain check." John promises Rodney before he takes over and flies the Jumper easily back into the hanger bay.

 

Disappointed, Rodney doesn’t give up, he is able to get a few flying lessons in over the next couple weeks. Other evenings he makes his way through the empty city alone. He stays in the areas that have already been cleared, just to be safe. It is downright spooky out here.

 

He stumbles back over the geologic lab that he and John found before. The room whirrs and comes to life as Rodney enters. Rodney runs his hands over the controls and flips through some of the different subroutines.

 

Strange, this thing doesn't have any real geological data. It is more of an interface for... What is this? Rodney enters in some data sets and blinks at the outcome. This thing almost seems like a game of some kind. John likes games.

 

Rodney stares at the screen in excitement, "Sweet!"  
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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes before, during, and after Season 1, episode 5: 'Suspicion'  
> .


	9. Let the games begin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _The banter and competition between them is a natural outlet for the simmering emotions beneath the surface._  
> .

.  
.

 

"McKaaay!", Speaking over him, John tries to cut Rodney off before any more diplomatic damage is done.

 

Today is one of those days where Rodney doesn't make him want to rip his hair out in frustration; today Rodney's quirks are making him feel humorous and affectionate.

 

This second day spent on Hoff is proving to be just as dull as the first. It was supposed to be a promising world in terms of technology, at least in this neck of the woods. But as the Chancellor gives John's team a never-ending tour of his nation's ‘advances’, it seems diplomacy and handshaking is the only thing they can accomplish here.

 

That is, until the leader of the Hoffan people mentions 'a viable defense' against the Wraith that they are working on.

 

“Defense?” John asks, his ears pricking up. "Really?"

 

Rodney walks up behind John in the enclosed space. His front shoulder makes contact with John's back and stays there.

 

John notes with some happiness, that in the months since Antarctica, Rodney has become far less skittish around him. He might be comfortable being this close to Rodney, but Rodney never ventures into John's proximity like this. And Rodney seems so completely at ease right now.

 

_Focus, John._

 

"We've been here two days before you mention that?" John asks

 

"I had to learn that you could be trusted." The Chancellor confides. He goes on to explain that his people are hoping this 'weapon' will protect them from the next Wraith culling, which is expected in 50 years or so.

 

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* * *

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"50 years you say?" Rodney winces and gives John an accusatory look.

 

John's eyes grow; he presses his lips together tightly before licking them and taking a breath. Yeah. And John just woke them up early.

 

Rodney takes a mental note that John always seems to press his lips together when something is bothering him.

 

Suddenly he is aware that their bodies are actually touching, that he can feel the heat between them. And now he is staring at John's lips. They look full, too perfectly bowed -not like his own unremarkable lips.

 

He still wishes John had given him the chance to kiss those lips, at least once... Rodney wants to know if they feel as good as they look.

 

"How about that weapon?" John’s voice brings him to reality.

 

"Yes, yes" the Chancellor beckons "If you'll just come this way."

 

The weapon turns out to be a drug, an intended vaccine against the Wraith. When Carson tests it, he is brimming with excitement over its potential. He convinces Atlantis they should use the captured Wraith for experimentation and perfection of the drug.

 

Rodney is hurt when John doesn't even ask him to accompany the rest of them on the trip back to Hoff with the Wraith prisoner. He tries not to take it personally that he is the only member of the team that is grounded.

 

Days go by, and Rodney preoccupies himself with working on the game, learning how it works.

 

Then Atlantis receives a communication about a dire turn of events. The vaccine worked -it not only immunizes but kills the feeding host as well. Only, people are dying by the hundreds of thousands, about 50% of the population is dying form the vaccine.

 

After Hoff heard the Wraith were reawaking ahead of schedule, they pushed forward in desperation, disregarding Carson’s precautions about limited human trails and inoculating the entire civilization.

 

Now there is nothing they can do really except help dispose of the dead. Rodney joins the rest of the team on Hoff to help with the medical emergency. When he arrives, it is a grim scene. No one really acknowledges him; they all look too sickened by the consequences of this alliance.

 

John in particular, has a haunted expression in his eyes. Rodney knows him well enough to realize he is blaming himself for this. Maybe Rodney can cheer him up when they get back, show him the game.

 

For the next few days, John manages to avoid all of them after work. John eyes seem faraway and less amused than usual. He certainly isn’t going to be coming by the lab like he used to, so Rodney decides to take matters into his own hands.

 

That night he joins John for dinner while he is sitting at one of the long benches in the cafeteria. John barely acknowledges him and keeps eating. Rodney talks nervously, filling in the gaps. He is apt to do that when he is nervous. Nothing he is saying is important and John doesn't seem interested. Rodney swallows a bite and watches John.

 

"What?" John feels him staring and looks up.

 

"Oh." Rodney starts, "Um, I have something I want to show you... In one of the labs."

 

John lowers his head and keeps eating.

 

"It's a game." Rodney offers, "I think it's an Ancient game room"

 

"What kind of a game?" John looks back up slyly.

 

"I think it's a, kind of a..." Rodney snaps his fingers in excitement, "'Risk' and 'Settlers of Catan' combination." He looks at John questioning, "You know those board games?"

 

A smile is tweaking at one side of John’s mouth as he nods.

 

"Well, I think, it's kind of like that, but more complicated." Rodney adds.

 

John lifts his nearly empty tray off the bench and stands up.

 

Rodney wolfs down another quick bite or two and follows suit.

 

They get their laptops first and some cords to help interface the machines, then Rodney takes John down to the game room.

 

He shows John the map again, explaining, "Two societies separated by a river straight down the middle. Each with their own resources and talents."

 

Rodney reveals the many features and facets he has found for these fictional civilizations. The variables they can input to this simulated world are almost infinite.

 

He types into one side of the two opposing consoles, "Yeah, what you do is, you take these countries that are already in the database and assume control of them. You can control everything, proper sanitation systems, water delivery..."

 

"Transportation, warfare..." John starts typing into his side, getting into the swing of things.

 

"I mean every detail can be manipulated.” Rodney moves his finger over the board, “I mean right down to the women's hairstyles."

 

Selecting a blonde short spiky hairdo that looks like Samantha Carter, He smiles and speaks to the image on the screen with approval, "Hello there."

 

John stands up and peers over Rodney's shoulder, "Blonde, huh?"

 

"Yeah, I have a thing for blondes with short hair..." Rodney admits, "You know, like Samantha Carter."

 

He forgets for a moment that John hasn't met Colonel Samantha Carter, then offers another explanation, "Only the brightest physicist in the SGC, after myself, of course."

 

"Of course.” John nods, “So, you and this Samantha Carter, dated then?"

 

"No...” Rodney tilts his head thinking, “We didn't exactly. Well, no... There was a kiss on the cheek, perhaps."

 

He turns in his chair to look at John. John has his eyebrows raised humorously. Rodney folds his arms over his chest, "No, but, okay... I dated Teresa Geldar, and she's the one I named my country, Geldar, after."

 

"Geldar huh? Blonde?" John smirks.

 

"Yes." Rodney looks at him evenly.

 

John squints one of his eyes in thought, "Mmm. So when you say, dated...?"

 

"We were an item... for a time." Rodney purses his lips.

 

John looks dubious and Rodney keeps talking because that's what he does when he is nervous, "Technically, it was only two dates. But I spent a lot of time with her after that, too. We would talk when I saw her in the library or when I would go to the coffee shop where she worked. I think we had quite a connection."

 

"So... You were stalking her?" John lowers his chin in jest.

 

"It wasn't stalking." Rodney sighs in exasperation, "She technically agreed to both of those dates, so..."

 

Embarrassed, Rodney types into his laptop to change the screen.

 

"Whoa.” John sees one of the images Rodney is flipping through, “What was that?"

 

"Oh. You like that?" Rodney flips back to an earlier page, "It's my new flag. For Geldar. I designed it myself."

 

John's eyes are wide for a moment as he takes in the pixilated mug of Rodney's proud-looking face.

 

Rodney is startled by the sudden sound of laughter behind him. He spins around to see John pointing with one hand and clutching at his side with the other.

 

He glares in fury but John keeps looking at the screen and laughing, "I'm sorry. Oh. That's just... quite possibly..."

 

John inhales to stop a laugh, "The dorkiest thing. I've ever seen."

 

"Oh.” John looks at the image and laughs more deeply, “That face you're making."

 

"It's. My. Face." Rodney is glaring so hard he can barely see John through his eyelids.

 

"Oh. Oh..." John snickers with his fist on his brow. "McKay. You slay me."

 

He had thought it looked pretty good; Rodney looks at the flag again.

 

John is biting his lips and trying to stop himself from laughing.

 

"Well... Then, what are you going to use?" Rodney asks indignantly.

 

"I think I'll just go with whatever's in there already." John waves his hand back toward his side of the game.

 

Rodney stews, silently plotting. At least John seems like he cheered up a bit, even if Rodney is the butt of the joke. But he will make John pay for mocking him. Geldar will have its revenge. Sweet, sweet revenge.  
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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place during and after Season 1, episode 7: 'Poisoning the Well'  
> .


	10. John so has an inner dork

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Ghosts from the past challenge the emotional wall John has built up around himself._  
> .

.  
.

 

After a unexpected breakthrough -finding a planet capable of powering a return trip home- Rodney is happy to be back from a galaxy where danger lurks around every corner. He returns from his debriefing at the SGC, eager to be get home to his apartment.

 

In the low light, he notices that his message machine is not blinking.  
He presses the button anyway. It announces, "You have no new messages."

 

"Huh, must've been a...power failure or something," he answers out loud. Or could it be that his absence wasn't even missed? Much more probable. He sighs softly.

 

With another exhale, he reaches for his remote, settles himself into the comfortable couch, and turns on the TV. This is good he thinks, I don't need anyone - I never have, and I don't now.

 

His self-talk is not working; he can feel the emptiness in his chest. Over the last 6 months, he can't remember having any down time without one of his team members present.

 

Usually John. Why does it always come back to John? God. Why can't a nice, attractive woman come into the picture? That would be a healthy distraction. He should really find someone…

 

There is a knock at the door, interrupting his thoughts and snack munching. It's his neighbor, the girl who said she would watch his cat for him even though she thought he was a jerk.

 

Not knowing what to expect. Rodney offers a meek, "Hi."

 

The conversation goes surprisingly really well. In fact, she says she missed him and wants to see him later tonight. ‘To catch up’, whatever that means.

 

Rodney happily agrees and returns to his snacks feeling much more relaxed and less lonely than before. While watching one of his favorite ‘Twilight Zone’ episodes, he drifts off into a light nap.

 

A knocking on the door wakes him up. Is it his neighbor Stephanie again? Disoriented Rodney calls out "Hang on" as he stumbles off the couch to open the door.

 

It's Elizabeth. Embarrassed, Rodney is suddenly aware than he is wearing only his 'I'm With Genius' T-shirt and some underwear.

 

In a rush to get his pants on over his boxers, he explains to her that he has a date with the neighbor who is watching his cat -Apparently missed him.

 

Elizabeth cuts Rodney off to tell him that there has been an accident with the spaceship Prometheus, the one that is supposed to be their return ride back to Atlantis.

 

He mentally scraps the idea of a date with his neighbor, and returns to the SGC to find a solution. The idea of not returning home... Rodney stops. Since when has Atlantis become home?

 

Okay well, the idea of not returning to Atlantis, actually sounds unbearable. He may not feel comfortable with all the Wraith around but he feels safe in a different way there, a way he has never felt before and doesn't want to lose.

 

Maybe it's the feeling that he matters, or at least matters to some people there. It is different from the isolated world Rodney has always lived in. ‘Rodney the scientist’ on Earth, well, no matter how brilliant his work, no one seemed to care about him.

 

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* * *

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John arrives at 'his' house with Teyla, smiling because it is a house full of things he never had but wished he did at some point.

 

"Just like I left it," he speaks out loud, waiting for the wizard to come out from behind the curtain.

 

Nothing seems to happen so he prompts Telya to follow him, assuming that some beer will magically appear in fridge under the bar.

 

"Perfect," he proclaims pulling two out and handing one to her. Teyla is asking him about his house and he decides to play along with this charade until he can get to the bottom of it. When she mentions something about his friends and the doorbell rings.

 

At the door, he is greeted by two familiar faces, Mitch and Dex. He tries to smile but he is confused and horrified.

 

The men at the door are his friends all right, the only kind he seems to have, dead ones. They pepper him with friendly questions but John can only stand there numbly gaping in the doorway.

 

He knows none of this is real but it hurts deep down below the walls he has built up to protect himself. It's a painful reminder of how alone he is and that he ultimately has failed everyone that ever meant anything to him.

 

"So you so going to invite us in or what?"

 

The question makes it through the fog in his mind. John jumps to sound casual, "Yeah, sure. What the hell?"

 

As he shuts the door behind them, John fights for composure, trying to remind himself that this is a military situation. He has to get control of his emotions to properly assess the threat level.

 

The smile on his face is weak and faltering like a kite wavering in the wind. His chest feels like it's on fire. And it is only the beginning.

 

More people from his past keep showing up, creating an impromptu party in this fake bachelor pad. His Air Force buddies take center stage telling tales about past military exploits.

 

He watches the scene unfold passively, feeling sick to his stomach when they toast him on his flying skills. He wonders where Ford and Rodney are and if they are holding up better than him in this tortured reality or whatever it is.

 

On cue, Ford rings the bell and steps through the door. But no sign of Rodney. He doesn't know if that is good or not. This might not be the real Ford, or the real Teyla for that matter.

 

What he wouldn't give for a little real Rodney right now… John pulls at the front of his shirt and feeling hot and claustrophobic.

 

The room is just filled with too many people. People who don't exist in his life. People that would only exist for a person that knew how to have friends, not an 'emotional cripple' as his ex-wife had called him.

 

Thank God she isn't here. He quickly tries to banish her from his mind before she appears as well. Her and the person he misses the most…

 

He strolls back to the crowd where his Air Force buddies are still telling war stories. He’s losing patience, he does not want to think about Afghanistan again... not ever. Before he has think about losing Holland, he interjects into their timeline.

 

"...Then, two days later," John swallows and looks up with a bit of mock surprise, "you guys were killed outside of Kabul."

 

John pulls his chin up higher and lets his face fall into an impassive challenge.

 

"What do you mean?" Teyla asks.

 

"Their chopper took an RPG when it touched down for a Medevac." John tells the room. More softly he continues, "There was barely enough left to bring back for a military funeral."

 

Dex spits out the question, "What?!"

 

John raises his voice in turn, "You guys have been dead for years."

 

Realizing there is too much venom and pain in his voice, John drops back to a casual sounding cadence. "Now don't get me wrong, it's really nice seeing you..."

 

Trying to obscure the grief he is feeling, he continues pointing out the various figures from past periods of his life that don’t belong. Nobody belongs here. Least of all him.

 

John doesn’t have friends.

 

"Shep, I think we should take you to see a doctor." Dex replies.

 

Incredulous, he replies, "Oh really?"

 

"Yeah", Mitch pipes up, "Yeah, you're acting pretty strange."

 

Laughing and feeling a bit manic, Sheppard retorts, "Oh, I'm acting strange, huh?!"

 

He grabs his gun impulsively, looking at Mitch. 'Your not real'. John shoots him in the shoulder.

 

"Major!" Teyla shouts in alarm.

 

"You shot me!" comes the accusation.

 

John stands with his gun still leveled at Mitch, "You're already dead!", he shouts.

 

Ford tries to jump in between Sheppard and the other man "Sir, give me the-"

 

"I'm beginning to have my doubts about you too, Lieutenant.” John turns the gun on Ford and he backs away, “I wouldn't put them to a test."

 

Then, with the gun still pointing at the group, he takes a swill of beer to cool his head. John grits his teeth in frustration, "Now somebody…"

 

Swaying his arm to freely target his audience, John bellows, "explain to me WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!"

 

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* * *

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Suddenly Rodney is back in the SGC gate room and an alien is explaining that they have all been immersed in false realities. These aliens were the ‘mist’ that Rodney had mistaken for energy.

 

To keep the team from using their life force as a power source to dial Earth, the aliens created these illusions to keep the team immobilized.

 

But now the illusions have been broken, especially by John, who alien says is "uniquely capable of manipulating his own fabricated reality."

 

John cuts in, "When I think of the scenarios I could have thought up, I'd kick myself". He throws back a nod to Rodney.

 

Rodney gulps nervously. He doesn't know if he is being taunted, but he was just thinking he could have had John. The way he wanted him. Personal and close, with kissing even.

 

Oh God. He had been watching television and eating junk food.

 

And he'd imagined going on a date with a somewhat cute neighbor who hated him. Which never even materialized. Oh well, crappy self esteem, what are you going to do?

 

"So none of this is real?" Rodney states rhetorically. After a pause, he continues, "The cute brunette. Of course, I should have known. I mean, how do you go from... 'You're a pig, but I like your cat', to 'I missed you'?"

 

Stupid, no one has ever missed him. Rodney knows this is not the appropriate time to be feeling self-pity but something about this fake reality has made him incredibly sad.

 

The alien explains, "We lacked a sophisticated understanding of your world, as a result the illusions we created from your thoughts were ultimately flawed."

 

"Well, the dead people were a dead giveaway." John grimaces.

 

Rodney stops feeling sorry for himself and wonders if John experienced any kind of pain in his reality. "Dead people." he begins, "What were you doing?"

 

John gives him a nonchalant expression. He's seems fine. The Major doesn't seem to be bothered by much of anything.

 

The alien still seems to think the team is a threat... that they would knowingly kills millions of the alien life forms just to return to Earth. But the team manages to convince it that if they are allowed to return to their bodies, they will not attempt to try to gate to Earth.

 

They are returned to where the bodies have been lying, in front of the alien stargate. Rodney begins removing the special DHD crystal, the only one capable of dialing Earth.

 

"Rodney, be careful with that,” Elizabeth tells him. “I want to make sure we can get back home."

 

"You mean Atlantis." He corrects her automatically.

 

John speaks up, "I think that's what she meant".

 

And Rodney realizes that Atlantis HAS become home, for all of them. Still, he finds something argumentative to say to John. Because, in a way, that also feels like home.

 

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Eyeing the clock, Rodney closes his laptop. It’s time to meet John in their secret liar. When he steps into the room, he sees that John is wearing one of those long black shirts that clings to his tall lean chest.

 

Did Rodney ever get to touch that chest when they were... whatever they were?

 

He doesn't think so, he would remember that. Rodney sure remembers what John looks like with his shirt off. Sex personified. Not an ounce of fat, long toned arms.

 

The whole body just seems to radiate ease and confidence. Rodney thinks about John's naked body. His chest. There is a small line of hair that trails down from his smooth muscled torso, reaching from the small dusting of short dark hair above his nipples and over his chest.

 

It stands out as a dark line over the light skin, down along his stomach. The trail accentuates the lines, the length of him. And lower… It flows into the dark bush of hair in his groin. Just above that amazing cock.

 

In his mind, Rodney can see the angular hips that frame it. Oh. The way they ground into him, as John that pushed that cock up deep, deep into him.

 

Rodney's own cock twitches involuntarily and he feels the fluttery rush of arousal. No, no, no, don't think about John that way. Forget the past… that way is only pain. Focus on the game.

 

Why does John still have this effect on him? It is so unquantifiable. Rodney likes proofs, figures, facts… They leave him on solid ground. That way he always knows the answer, knows he is right.

 

It is easier living in world without emotion. Without fear or longing. A world of numbers, right and wrong. Feelings are unpredictable; they have always scared Rodney, left him with no footing.

 

John makes Rodney forget everything he knows. Rodney feels so powerless to please him. And just as eager to hide that fact with his sarcasm. It feels like John can see through him anyway. He just breezes through whatever shields Rodney has, as if they don't exist.

 

It isn't right, he shouldn't be thinking about John like that anymore. But Rodney finds himself pushing further, doing things that are far out of his realm of comfort. Trying to impress the Major by doing things like wielding a gun or attacking an enemy… The kinds of things Rodney would never, in a million years, consider doing before.

 

Being with John is so unpredictable, infuriating... but exciting.

 

He tries to forget the past and think about the way things are now. John likes Rodney more, now that they are friends. At least he thinks he does... Why else would John spend so much free time with Rodney?

 

Rodney just has to find his footing. Be less affected.

 

Looking at his screen, he sees that a lot of his variables have yielded positive results. Now there are so many more new perimeters to examine. Rodney can't believe how involved this game is. He plots fresh strategies and enters them into the console.

 

Sheppard's country looks like it is lagging behind. He feels pleased with himself for looking at the bigger picture, the long run. John is always looking for quick, easy solutions without thinking through the infrastructure.

 

Rodney squints his eyes at John and wonders what kind of technological advances John is giving the people in his side of the map. Probably he can’t provide the kind of technical schematics Rodney can.

 

Not that Rodney would provide them with nuclear power or anything like that… but Renaissance level, perhaps. It could be a definite advantage.

 

Sometimes at night, Rodney feels guilty when he strokes his cock thinking about John. He should be over this by now. But over time he just wants John more instead of less. Maybe if Rodney didn't spend so much time with the man. But it is so fun, making kitchen raids late at night, playing their games together.

 

He feels a little bit special when he is with John. He feels light and breathless, despite how cool and detached John is, teasing Rodney mercilessly. Of course, Rodney gets his digs back in.

 

And then John drops the cool act altogether and gets dorky with him. Talking about favorite dinosaurs or best comic book heroes... They got into quite a debate recently over Batman vs. Superman.

 

John gets most of Rodney's obscure TV references to old Sci-Fi and Horror shows. Rodney has even invented a game where one of them lists an actor while the other tries to guess the show they appeared in. Most people wouldn't know the shows, let alone the actors.

 

John so has an inner dork.

 

There must be something wrong with Rodney for feeling so happy. He is happy just to be around John, no matter how out of reach, no matter how much Rodney lusts for him.

 

Looking up over his game screen, Rodney peeks at John. With his legs slung up on the console, John scowls and looks over at Rodney suspiciously. Rodney squares his shoulders back, staring at John behind his large opposing screen.

 

Typing into the keyboard on his lap, John feigns disinterest. So Rodney types back, entering new parameters into the game. He catches John leaning over, not enough to really see anything, just enough to be playful.

 

Rodney scowls in mock irritation. The two of them keep making changes to their countries. They take turns popping their heads up and stealing glances over the screens. It is just too much fun.  
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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place during and after Season 1, episode 9: 'Home'  
> .


	11. A flash of pure desire in John's eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _When John's mask of control slips for moment, Rodney suspects that John may still harbor some lingering feelings for him._  
> .

.  
.

 

After the massive storm and raid by their new foes, the Genii, John speaks with Elizabeth and Rodney to assess the damage. They didn’t come out unscathed, but the city is still intact, thanks mostly to McKay’s plan. Using the lightning rods to harness enough energy from the shield, protected them from the Tsunami.

 

John can’t let himself think about how scared he had been when he thought he might lose Rodney, in fact he can barely bring himself to meet the other man’s eyes.

 

That Genii bastard, Kolya, had hurt Rodney. John knows Rodney probably feels bad about revealing the plan. But Rodney had handled himself well, activating the intercoms and tipping John off. Then Rodney had managed to save Elizabeth’s life when Kolya had sworn to kill her.

 

When John had been on his own in the abandoned city, taking on the Genii soldiers, it had felt like Rodney was there with him. He had talked himself through it, 'Okay. What would McKay do?'

 

In Rodney’s lab, John saw a sign propped on some boxes. It read, 'Really Really Dangerous Don't Touch -McKay'. He could almost feel Rodney there about to scold him. John tried to put himself in his friend's shoes and come up with a brilliant plan to save the day. And it came to him. Power. McKay would go for the power source and take it out. 

 

Right now, John can’t look at McKay, he keeps his focus on Elizabeth. He doesn’t want to betray how much emotion he feels over the fact that Rodney is safe… or how close he came to losing it when he thought Rodney might die. Instead, he stands away aloof and disinterested. 

 

Rodney tells them that Beckett is suffering from a concussion, as he and Teyla were attacked in the Jumper Bay. Rodney points to a bandage that has been applied over his jacket, "I mean look at this. I had to do this myself." 

 

It is probably just a scratch knowing McKay; the guy doesn’t have much a tolerance for pain, John doubts that Kolya did much lasting damage. Still, he burns with rage thinking of anyone hurting Rodney. It felt good to sink those 2 bullets into Kolya’s chest as he fell back into the wormhole. When John is done checking the status reports, he will come take a look at Rodney’s arm himself. 

 

Then Rodney finally catches John's eye and gives him a weak smile, he looks unsure of himself. Probably still feeling bad about giving the plan away to Kolya... John will definitely look in on him later. 

 

After finishing up with Elizabeth and making sure their personnel are returning home, John circles back to find Rodney, grabbing a med kit along the way. It will be a while before the all the evacuated personnel are back and someone should look at his arm. 

 

When John spies him, Rodney looks sad, alone, stooped over a console. The bandage over the jacket looks a little too bloody. Rodney starts when John walks in. His eyes look sad. 

 

"Let's get you looked at." John walks up reaching for Rodney's arm, the part that isn't hurt. 

 

"Uh, who's going to look at it?" Rodney is flustered, the way he always is when John touches him. 

 

"I once dated a field medic." John shrugs.

 

Rodney looks at him dubiously. 

 

"I do know basic first aid. I can put on a Band-Aid." John adds.

 

Rodney glares but doesn't move from under John's touch. John pulls the gauze off his jacket. 

 

"Careful,” Rodney winces, “it really..." he stops talking as John's hands move softly over his arm. 

 

Gingerly holding the arm in place while unwrapping the make shift bandage, John inhales sharply when he sees the blood pooled on the jacket. He looks at Rodney a little guiltily. 

 

"Ouch, that's gotta hurt."

 

"Yes, thank you, it hurts." Rodney makes a face.

 

"We gotta get this thing off." John eyes the jacket. He reaches his hand up tugs on the front. 

 

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* * *

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Oh God. John did not just tell him to take off his jacket? Rodney flushes and closes his eyes. 

 

"Here." Rodney feels John pulling on the zipper. 

 

He looks up at John startled. But John is focused on the jacket, he has it completely unzipped now. Rodney's mouth is dry as John starts moving the jacket off the uninjured arm and Rodney cooperates, moving easily out of it. 

 

"You ready?" John walks behind Rodney and lifts the collar gently on the other side.

 

Rodney nods as John slowly peels the jacket down to the elbow. 

 

"Okay, just like a Band-Aid,” John places his other hand on the sleeve, we'll-"

 

Son of Bitch, that hurt! 

 

"Ow, ow, ow, ow," Rodney complains loudly as John dabs at the wound.

 

"This might hurt a bit." John stops, frowning. He hands Rodney the loose gauze and gets something out of the medical case.

 

"Just make it quick." Rodney says holds the padding under his arm.

 

Holding Rodney's wrist in his fingers, John looks at him. Those green eyes are so unreadable but the way John is looking at him makes Rodney forget about the pain. 

 

John just keeps looking at him and Rodney feels nervous.  
Is he upset because Rodney fucked things up with Kolya? He doesn't look that upset. 

 

He feels the heat of John's fingers on his wrist. Rodney loves the way it feels when John touches him. 

 

"Okay." John blinks softly with those long lashes and looks down at the wound. 

 

Oh Jesus. Sweet Jesus. Rodney braces himself. This hurts worse than when they carved him up. He bites his lip and tries to be brave. 

 

He hates seeming weak in front of John, something that happens far too often. While John cleans it up, he winces and lets out some soft whines but keeps from doing anything too embarrassing. 

 

"Okay buddy," John moves his grip and captures the back of McKay's hand in his palm, he straightens out Rodney's arm into the light, "That looks pretty bad. You might need some stitches, and some..." 

 

Waiting for the rest, Rodney gazes at John’s face. He doesn't feel as vindicated as he hoped he would. Mostly, just defeated and sad about letting everyone down. 

 

"Hey." John squeezes his hand.

 

Rodney blinks at him. 

 

John's face is so inscrutable, there is something deep in those eyes, but Rodney can't place it. John’s voice is soft, "You did a good job there." 

 

As Rodney starts to roll his eyes, John squeezes his hand again, "I've been captured by the enemy before." 

 

When he looks back into John's eyes, they are stormy. John's voice is a little hoarse, "I've been tortured and I don't blame you for doing whatever you needed to survive. I understand." 

 

Sighing, Rodney wishes he knew more about John's past, more about what goes on behind those eyes. Rodney looks at the mysterious Major. John's face reveals acceptance not judgment. 

 

Hesitantly, John places his other hand on Rodney's shoulder, and moves it across his back in soft, uncertain strokes. 

 

And then Rodney sees something unmistakable. 

 

A flash of pure desire in John's eyes. Whoa. Okay. 

 

Rodney's mouth falls open. 

 

"Thanks." He stares up at John in wonder.

 

John's face has slipped back into its’ easy mask as he escorts Rodney to the infirmary, to wait for the other medical staff to return. But Rodney knows what he saw, even if it was just for a moment. 

 

.  
.

 

The next few weeks are a whirlwind. Nothing bad happens. It's just the rush of being with John makes Rodney feel lightheaded lately. Rodney lets himself indulge completely in his fantasies at night.  
The two of then practically spend every spare moment together now.

 

Tonight John wants to take Rodney to the gun range and teach him to 'handle his weapon properly'. Not the kind of thing Rodney would normally be doing, but he can barely contain his excitement as he makes his way down. John looks so sexy in his long sleeved black shirt. 

 

And Rodney could swear he is being sultry with his expression. John has seemed to take every opportunity to touch Rodney these days and tonight is no different. 

 

John gives instructions physically as well as verbally. He positions Rodney and stands behind him. He leans in close, folding his arms around and holding the gun with his hands on top of Rodney's. 

 

Trying to keep the gun steady at the target, Rodney inhales shakily. John moves his hands to the rest of Rodney's body, shifting his weight. He bends his knee into Rodney's to show him how to stand. Rodney blinks happily. Then John's hands move away and Rodney feels heavy earmuffs go over his head. 

 

It's okay, John doesn't need words to communicate what he wants from Rodney. John puts an ear set on his own head and returns behind Rodney again. 

 

His body is pressed up so close, his arms hugging against Rodney's. And the hands, the hands moving over Rodney's hands… He feels John moving the gun angle and then his finger presses Rodney's, letting him know to squeeze the trigger. 

 

Rodney pulls and recoils into John's chest. John lifts the earmuffs off of Rodney's head and explains verbally how to breathe into it and keep his arms steady instead of pulling away as soon as he fires. Returning the earmuffs, John physically positions Rodney again. 

 

Every touch radiates through him, he feels so relaxed. He can do this. John is holding him and Rodney lets himself press back into John instead of pulling the trigger again. John doesn't object. 

 

They just stand there. And Rodney lets his body move just enough to lean in and enjoy the sensation of John up against him. He can feel John’s bulge pressing up against his ass. Not fully hard, but definitely there. Oh, this feels so good. 

 

John's hand closes over his again and brushes against Rodney's trigger finger. Rodney exhales deeply and pulls.  
.  
.  
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.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place during/after Season 1, episode 11: 'The Eye'  
> .


	12. Oh my God- He's in love with John

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Rodney's tried not too, but the intensity of their field mission together brings the truth to the surface. And the truth is, he's in love with John._  
> .

.  
.

 

Finally. John is finally letting Rodney pilot the ship on a real mission. It's exhilarating. He doesn't mind the way John so attentive and consumed with every move Rodney makes. 

 

Usually Rodney doesn't like people telling him what to do, but with John he doesn't mind. John likes to stay in control when it comes to certain things. And Rodney is just happy to be the one piloting this mission. 

 

"Ease up on the controls a little." John smiles.

 

"I'm fine," he tells John. Rodney is concentrating for all it's worth; maybe he is a little tense.

 

"You're going to snap the damn things off. Ease up." John persists.

 

It sounds ridiculous coming out of his mouth but Rodney says it anyway, "I'm just seeing what this baby can do." 

 

One of the guys in the back of the Jumper, Abrams, snorts, "Did you just say 'this baby'?" 

 

"It's perfectly appropriate space pilot parlance." Rodney bristles. But it comes out sounding like more of a question than a statement. Dammit. How is it that John can get away with saying things like that and he can't? 

 

"Just fly the baby in a straight line." Lifting an affectionate nod toward Rodney as he says the last word, John looks like he is trying to hide his amusement. 

 

"I'm flying in a straight line." Rodney tries to make another statement but it sounds like a question.

 

John pulls up a view screen that reveals Rodney's anything but straight flight path. "Not so much." He offers gently.

 

"Well in space, all motion is relative." Rodney looks to John for reassurance but he just raises his eyebrows in response. 

 

The other guy in the back of the Jumper, Dr. Gall, is complaining about motion sickness.

 

"These things have inertial dampeners, you shouldn't feel a thing." John tells him.

 

Gall explains, "I know we're moving, that's enough for me." 

 

"Why'd you choose this guy for the mission?" John whispers conspiratorially to Rodney. 

 

"Brendan's the one that discovered the Lagrangian Point satellite was out here, Elizabeth felt he should see it for himself." Rodney leans over to explain.

 

"Don't let go of the controls!" John suddenly extends his arms over to Rodney’s side, gesturing.

 

"Snapping doesn't help!" Rodney raises his voice back.

 

"This is why parents get someone else to teach their kids how to drive." John sighs.

 

"I'm both insulted and touched by that." He retorts.

 

As they approach the satellite, John murmurs, "McKay..." 

 

Rodney knows even before he says it that John wants the pilot controls. The two of them rise and seamlessly fold around each other in the tight space -as they have on many previous flight lessons. 

 

It's a dance that they can do without even moving their eyes from the view screen. Rodney feels like there is something very intimate about this, knowing someone well enough that you can anticipate their movements. 

 

"Yes, yes, of course, please." Rodney mumbles softly without realizing it. 

 

The weapons satellite seems to be dead but they pick up a weak Wraith distress call from the planet below. 

 

They radio Elizabeth so Rodney can tell her the findings, "Look if any part of that ship is intact, the wealth of scientific and military knowledge we could acquire is invaluable." 

 

John is nodding while Rodney is talking. 

 

"So what are you saying?” Elizabeth asks cautiously. 

 

"We have to go down and take a look." Rodney pleads.

 

"You have to?” Elizabeth sounds guarded, “It took you almost 15 hours to get to there." 

 

While Elizabeth is talking, Rodney turns to John and mouths very dramatically 'Help me!' 

 

John's eyes go big and damn he looks good in that tight black shirt. Rodney doesn't understand how someone who is so strong and fierce can also be so boyish and adorable. 

 

When John's eyes go big Rodney feels fluttery and thinks about Antarctica... back when John had wanted him and took what he wanted. 

 

When John makes that kind of face he looks so young and innocent, his lips look so pouty and kissable. Rodney wants to kiss him right now; he wants to kiss him so much it aches. He wishes that he could be like John and just take what he wants. 

 

John keeps looking at Rodney all wide-eyed, his lips moving just barely, like he is parsing out what Rodney wants. And then he gets it. Suddenly his face shifts back to 'the Major'. 

 

Before Elizabeth can continue, John sounds serious, "Well, all the more reason we should…" His cadence falters for a moment but he continues, "have a look. We're already here." 

 

Gall pipes up about how the planets atmosphere is extremely ionized and radio communication could be difficult. 

 

Rodney gives him the quick shut-the-fuck-up signal by waving his hand across his throat. 

 

'This is weird' Rodney muses, since when has he become the guy so eager to go confront danger? 

 

Since he met Sheppard, he realizes. John’s really changed him. Rodney wonders if that is good or bad, objectively speaking, but realizes he doesn't care because it feels good. It feels really good to be with John. 

 

"And", Elizabeth continues, "it would take at least 15 hours to send out any kind of rescue." 

 

"We'll-be-fine" Rodney blurts. 

 

Elizabeth asks, "Major?" 

 

Rodney turns to John, knowing his answer already, "I agree with McKay" he says, as if he has given it careful consideration and thought. 

 

"Of course you do", Elizabeth isn't buying it, she sounds a bit sing-song and sarcastic. "How could either of you resist exploring a crashed alien spaceship?" 

 

"Exactly." John says frankly. 

 

Trying to sound mature, Rodney tells her, "I assure you our interest is purely professional Elizabeth." The moment he says it Rodney is hit by the irony of that statement. 

 

Yeah right, his interest in John is purely professional. 

 

"Seriously,” John sounds convincing, “the amount of intel we could gather from their weapons system- codes, shields...” 

 

"All right," Elizabeth consents, "Proceed with extreme caution, please, and check in with me in three hours." 

 

"Oh, three hours, that's hardly enough time-" 

 

"Will do." John cuts him off, giving Rodney a pleased look that says 'this is going to be great'. 

 

John probably would have been the most fun kid growing up; Rodney wishes he had known him then. 

 

Of course Rodney never had these kinds of fun adventurous in childhood, and John would have been too cool to hang out with a dork like him. 

 

For some reason, the mental image of he and John in a tree house comes to mind.

 

The planet turns out to be a desert. While John is still in the Jumper, Rodney discretely applies his SPF chapstick and snipes with their two sidekicks. 

 

John steps out all looking tough and cool with his aviator glasses on and tells them to head out. 

 

As they all walk through the sandy plain towards the Wraith ship, little sparkly flies swirl up out of a dirt hole. Rodney loses whatever bluster he had, swatting and sputtering about what a severe bee allergy he has. 

 

John just smiles, naming them 'space-bugs’, while Gall laughs at him for his 'girlish' fear. 

 

Rodney ungracefully stumbles out of the area and they continue to the crashed vessel. 

 

Once inside, they split up into teams of two. John and Rodney start to speculate on the odds that a Wraith could survive in these conditions for 10,000 years. It seems unlikely, but to be safe John radios the other scientists and tells them to regroup.

 

But by the time they get back it is too late. Abrams is already dead, and Gall is barely alive. Rodney tends to Gall even though he appears to be dying. He tries to reassure the injured scientist, "I'm sure the paralysis is just temporary, you'll be alright in a few hours." 

 

"I told him where we left the Jumper, he took my remote." Gall confesses.

 

John's body stiffens and Rodney knows he knows he is planning to try to take the Wraith out by himself. Feeling both guilt for missing the life sign reading and panic that John is going to leave him, Rodney tries his best to argue with him, raising his voice for effect.

 

"I don't have time to argue about this!" John screams right into Rodney's face, but his eyes don't look angry.

 

Rodney goes quiet and John's voice drops back to normal, "Now set your radio to channel 2 and don't use it until you hear from me." With that he is gone. 

 

"Major!.. Major!" But it is too late.

 

He turns his attention to tending Gall's wound and tries not to worry about John. 

 

A few minutes later the radio comes to life, "McKay." 

 

"Still here." Rodney answers.

 

"Son of a bitch beat me to it. He's fast." John sounds sore, like a boy scout who failed the prize." 

 

"Then you should get back here." Rodney tries to take control of the situation again. 

 

"Negative." John drawls. 

 

Rodney clamors, "There's no point in you being out there-" 

 

"He's aboard my ship." John states possessively. 

 

"What are you Captain Kirk?” Rodney taunts, “What good's it going to do him?" 

 

"I don't know.” John admits innocently, “Maybe he can hot-wire the damn thing. I don't want to take a chance." 

 

He tries in vain to point out again that it makes more sense to wait for a rescue party given how dangerous the Wraith are, but John is obstinate, insisting that if all goes well, he can come back for them in the Jumper.

 

"And if all doesn't go well?" Rodney argues uselessly.

 

"It will." John sounds cocky.

 

With a pragmatic pessimism, McKay points out, "Things haven't gone all that well thus far." 

 

"You know, Rodney, these guys do die if you have enough firepower." John sounds instructive the way he does on a flying lesson.

 

Yeah, Rodney thinks bitterly, and one guy going after a Wraith alone isn’t a hell of a lot of firepower. This is such a stupid argument, "Well, eventually yes but-" 

 

John interjects with that infuriating Driver's Ed instructor voice, gentle, reassuring, and mildly condescending, "Try and stay positive." 

 

Sure he'll keep it positive while looking into Gall's deathly eyes. Rodney isn't as scared for himself as he usually is, mostly scared that John is going to do something rash and get himself killed. 

 

He can't really imagine life without John anymore. Rodney feels so close to him. Of course, everybody likes John. Most people in Rodney's life haven't cared much for him. 

 

And even though he and John never talk about what they mean to each other, he does feel at least a little bit important to John. Why else would he seek Rodney out whenever he had free time? It isn't mandatory to give your teammate flying lessons. Or shooting lessons… 

 

It’s impossible to say, John is so hard to read. Rodney just knows that he loves him, so... 

 

Oh. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. Bad, Rodney. Very bad idea. He tries to will the thought away. But is still there. Rodney realizes, maybe it always has been. 

 

Oh my God. He’s in love with John.

 

Okay... so whenever he started to... love John, he obviously realized that it was a bad plan and kept it repressed for a reason. 

 

Hence, he is quite capable of repressing it again. It can be a purely professional relationship. No reason it should be any different now, should it? Rodney's had plenty of experience with wanting people who didn't want him back. It should be easy-

 

"McKay..." 

 

"Major!” Rodney's voice is sharp with relief, “What's happening?" 

 

"I thought you should know- round one was a draw." John’s voice is less confident.

 

"I don't like the sound of that." Rodney worries.

 

"Me neither.” John agrees. “I took some fire." 

 

He should be out there with John, watching his back. Rodney is feeling an anxious pit in his stomach, "Are you injured?" 

 

"Yeah, that's what I mean by 'I took some fire'. But... I don't think it's too bad, but my P-90's out of commission. He found a 9 mil in the Jumper, figured out how to use it pretty fast." 

 

"Well, the Wraith will heal itself." Rodney points out the obvious.

 

"Yeah, no kidding, I put at least 20 shots into him and a couple more for good measure" John sounds tired. 

 

While John is theorizing about why this Wraith is so strong, Rodney's eyes dart from side to side thinking about how he needs to get out there to help him. 

 

"Can Gall move his fingers yet?" John asks.

 

"Barely" Rodney answers.

 

"All right," John directs, "Then stick a gun in his hand." 

 

Confused, Rodney asks, "Major?" 

 

"Just in case I don't make it back. Sheppard out." 

 

The bottom drops out of Rodney's stomach. No-no-no-no-no, he can't let this happen. 

 

He tries to act nonchalant for Gall, "That's comforting, huh?" 

 

Not much later he hears an explosion and yells into his earpiece, "Major, what the hell what that?"

 

John sounds unconcerned, "I almost blew myself up." 

 

"What?" Rodney is stricken.

 

"Stay off the radio I'm busy" John tells him.

 

"Right, he's busy." Rodney mutters. He makes an effort to keep Gall's spirits up. And to keep himself from getting lost in his own thoughts. 

 

"You want to get out there and help him, don't you?" Gall eyes Rodney carefully.

 

"What?” Rodney's eyes go big shakes his head in disbelief, “Me go up against a Wraith? Are you kidding?" 

 

"You do,” Gall smiles with approval, "I can tell." He takes a breath and looks softy at Rodney, "You've changed." 

 

Rodney shifts his weight uncomfortably as Gall continues, "You really want to get out there." 

 

"Shut up," Rodney blurts, not wanting to talk about any of this. 

 

Gall is undeterred, "Don't get me wrong. I'm impressed. You want in the fight. The Rodney McKay I knew would never-" 

 

Inwardly he completes the sentence '-would never fall in love with his commanding officer?' 

 

Out loud he tries to sound official, "You heard the man. We're staying right here.”

 

He kneels down and gives Gall the extra gun as Sheppard instructed. As he looks into Galls pain filled eye, he tries to project strength. 

 

But Gall isn’t doing well. He tells Rodney with calm assurance that he is dying and can feel what the Wraith did to him, "He left me with just enough strength so that you would have to watch me die." 

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

John has figured out that the 'space bugs' are attracted to food and uses a Powerbar to lure them nearby in order to get the Wraith to come out in the open. 

He has set up a grenade under a radio. The Wraith falls for the ploy but even the blast does not seem to injure him. 

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney hears a second explosion, "Did you hear that? I think the Major may be in trouble and if he's in trouble, we're in trouble." 

 

Hopeful, Rodney asks Gall if he can move but Gall says "Not a chance, I'm not going anywhere." 

 

"Okay. That's okay". Rodney tries to contain the rush of adrenaline he is feeling. 

 

"Go. Rodney just go. Save the day" Gall urges him.

 

Rodney knows he can't and won't leave Gall behind. He feels like a 13-year-old girl right now, gushing out his thoughts about the Major without thinking.

 

"What I really want to do is call him on the radio, but I'm afraid if he's hiding from the Wraith, I might inadvertently give away his position, and let's face it, what chance would we have against the Wraith if Sheppard can't take him out? I was hoping you'd be strong enough that I-" 

 

A loud gunshot punctuates Rodney's rambling speech. He spins around in terror to find Gall has shot himself.  
.  
.  
.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place during Season 1, episode 12: 'The Defiant One'  
> .


	13. Memorizing the feel of John against him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _The emotional intensity between them has grown too deep to deny and Rodney can't bear holding it back any longer._  
> .

.  
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* * *

.  
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The Wraith is coming for John now. He pulls out his gun to fire what remains of his ammo but it isn't enough. Knowing his odds of survival aren't good, John still pulls out a knife and goes in for hand-to-hand combat. 

 

He’s no match for the Wraith. It tosses him down like a rag doll and is about to feed on him when Rodney shows up and shoots it once in the back. 

 

John is flooded with relief when he hears Rodney scream out, "Major?!" 

 

"McKay." He calls back.

 

"What do I do now?!" Rodney is pointing the gun at the Wraith and screaming.

 

"Keep firing everything you've got!" John struggles to sit up. 

 

_That's right Rodney; just keep firing like I taught you._

 

The Wraith is making its way towards Rodney. Rodney keeps firing until he empties the clip. 

 

"Okay, now what!?" he yells uncertianly. 

 

"Reload!" John yells back. 

 

Now Rodney is emptying a second clip into the Wraith. _Focus John. come up with some kind of plan-_ A radio call interrupts his thoughts. _Thank God. The rescue Jumper is within range._

 

He has an idea. While the Wraith is making its way to Rodney, he fumbles with another Powerbar. 

 

"No more bullets!" Rodney is screaming at him.

 

Before the Wraith can reach Rodney, John makes a lunge for it and manages to wedge the Powerbar in its armor before being thrown free again. 

 

As he hears the sound of the space bugs buzzing, he orders the rescue Jumper to fire on the biggest life sign they can detect. He just hopes he and Rodney can get far enough away. 

 

"McKay, run!" He calls out. John can see Rodney running as the blast hits. He falls to the ground with the force of the explosion, then lifts his head up, "McKay?" He needs to know Rodney is safe. _Oh God, let him be okay._

 

And then he sees Rodney peek up from behind a distant rock waving cheerfully, "Still here!" 

 

John sighs with relief as the radio sputters to life, "Sir, this is Ford, the target is gone." 

 

"Well", John replies, "It's about damn time." 

 

Teyla speaks up apologetically, "We got here as soon as we could, Major." 

 

"That's not what I meant." John shakes his head because he didn't mean to say that out loud. He meant... it was about damn time that the Wraith died and about damn time Rodney showed up. 

 

He told Rodney to stay away but he’s proud, really proud of how Rodney handled himself. He’s gone from being a thin-skinned scientist to a guy that John can really rely on. 

 

It has been a long time since John has felt looked out for like that. And there is something more… a warm feeling in his stomach when he thinks about Rodney. He tells himself maybe it's just the kind of feeling you get when a guy saves your life. 

 

Not one for self-reflection, he usually tries not to think about this stuff. But he knows if he's honest, it’s always been more with Rodney. This desire to be close, to draw Rodney into his world... 

 

John knows he fucked up whatever chance he had for more back in Antarctica, but he is happy for whatever they have now. 

 

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* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney runs up to John feeling overly gleeful… considering everything that's just happened. He feels like hugging him but stops himself just a few feet shy, feet firmly planted in the sand. 

 

To hide the emotion swelling in his chest, he looks down. When he looks back up, John is gazing at him, the sunglasses are gone and his face dirty. 

 

The expression is hard to read but John blurts out a hoarse, "Thanks." 

 

Still out of breath and unsure of how to respond, Rodney manages a, "Yeah. You too. You okay?" 

 

"Other than this," John gestures to his shoulder, "and a few cracked ribs..." 

 

Now Rodney is really glad he didn't hug him. Besides the fact that would have been really, really stupid… He doubts that anyone under John's command has ever hugged him after a mission. The two of them stand awkwardly in close proximity for a moment catching their breaths and occasionally giving each other sidelong glances. 

 

Then John asks him about Gall and Rodney looks down in grief, shaking his head, "No." he answers softly. 

 

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* * *

.  
.

 

When Rodney can't meet his eyes, John realizes that Rodney hasn't been afforded the vast experience that John’s had with people under his command, friends, pretty much everyone he’s cared about dying. 

 

Once the thrill of surviving wears off, this is going hit him hard. He'll make this up to Rodney, maybe more flying lessons. 

 

Walking toward the Jumper, he tries to take Rodney's mind off things, "You'll have to put the ship back together, provided you can disarm the shield." 

 

"Fine", Rodney follows behind in a weary daze, "As long as we get to go home." 

 

"You can drive." John smiles wryly at him. 

 

"Oh, thank you." Rodney sounds pleased despite his exhaustion. 

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Fortunately, Rodney's job of getting the shield down is made much easier by the assistance of the second Jumper. Teyla, Ford, and the others lend a hand in getting it back together. The Wraith made quite a mess of the insides. 

 

One of the other guys from the rescue ship helps Sheppard get out of his field vest and shirt. Rodney tries not to stare while he is taping John's ribs and redressing his shoulder. 

 

A shirtless John no matter how sweaty and dirty is always a beautiful sight. Then John lazily pulls his shirt back on. They say their goodbyes and thank the rescue party. 

 

"See you back in Atlantis.” Teyla smiles.

 

"I don't know," John quips, "Rodney's driving". 

 

Ford laughs on his way out of the Jumper and Rodney shoots John a dirty look. When the door closes, John stays standing silently with his arm on the low roof. 

 

Rodney moves to the front of the cabin but makes no move to power the Jumper. John doesn't seem ready to go yet, so he waits. 

 

After a few minutes, he hears John shift his weight, "Rodney?" 

 

As inscrutable as John can be, Rodney has come to recognize the various intonations of how he says his name. This time John’s voice sounds both heavy and fragile. Rodney hears it as 'Come-here-please' rather than a question to be answered. 

 

Standing up, he walks to the back of the Jumper. He finds John leaning with one arm in a slump, his eyes are somehow guarded but so full of unreadable emotions. 

 

Suddenly, John steps very close to Rodney looking at the floor, then imploringly at Rodney's face. His eyes squint up in a kind of wince then he casts his gaze down again. Rodney waits for whatever it is he needs to say, hesitantly watching him. 

 

"Can I just-" John begins, he lifts his face up to Rodney again, meeting his gaze. 

 

Then without finishing his thought, he takes a resolute step forward, closing the small distance between them and folds his arms around Rodney with a sigh. 

 

_’Oh God’_ Rodney is too shocked to say anything. He doesn’t dare say anything to break the spell. His arms are pinned to the side of his body by John's embrace, so that he is not really participating in the hug, rather just receiving it. 

 

_‘This is heaven. This is. Oh.’_

 

It feels so good with John's chest against his, like suddenly he has everything he's ever wanted from him; every part of his body that is touching John feels on fire with pins and needles. Pins and needles but very, very good. Exquisite. 

 

John's body relaxes, his tall lanky form stoops as he drops his head to Rodney's shoulder. 

 

Rodney lets out a quiet gasp and neither man says a word. He never wants this to stop. Rodney leans into the hug and nestles his face against John's chest. He wants to let John know how much he wants to keep doing this, he never wants it to end. 

 

As he feels all the tension draining from John's body, Rodney realizes that John needs this even more than he did. He wonders if John ever lets his guard down like this with anyone. 

 

Certainly not when he and John had been lovers. Had they even been lovers? Was that what to call it? Rodney doesn't think so, there hadn't been much love involved, at least not on John's part. But Rodney has gotten to know the man a lot better since then… and if Rodney didn't love him then, he knows he does now. 

 

John is too hard to resist; charming, open, and friendly with everyone. He seems so easy, playful, and unflappable; but Rodney knows better. He knows John can't stand being close to people, that he keeps them at arm's length. Like John has created a deceptive garden in front of the armored walls of his heart. 

 

Most people never get to know John well enough to realize those formidable walls exist. 

 

For John to share this vulnerable moment with him is... huge. John never asks for anything, never lets himself need anyone... 

 

Of course, Rodney realizes he could easily be describing himself. Except in his case there is no garden, just a venomous pit of sarcasm and bad temper. Doesn't leave a lot of room for people to get to know him, or ever like him for that matter. He supposes it is easier to give people a reason not to like you up front than to wonder later why they don't. 

 

John's body moves imperceptibly and his hands squeeze Rodney's back like he is bracing to let go and Rodney pushes closer into John's chest to stop him.

 

_'No please, don't go John, please don't go. I love you, John. Don't let go'._

 

As if he has read his thoughts, John’s hands move a bit, running down Rodney's back, like he is trying to give Rodney comfort too. Rodney lets out a big sigh and relaxes again. 

 

He tries to savor every last moment, memorizing the feel of John against him, the feeling of his hair tickling his neck, the stubble on John's chin poking through the shirt on Rodney's shoulder. His beautiful body relaxed against him, curving into him. 

 

Feeling every breath between them rising and falling, it is the most perfect, the happiest Rodney has remembered being in a long time. It could only be better if his arms were free to reach back, to touch him and show John how much he feels. 

 

But Rodney knows better. John likes to be in control, this is probably the only way he can really let himself go, and if Rodney does too much or says too much it really will break the spell. John will shut down and just give him an empty smile. 

 

So Rodney contents himself with the pleasure and closeness he can feel now. It is already more than he ever thought he would get from John. Lifting his head, John places his hands on Rodney's shoulders; He looks at Rodney with weary and grateful eyes. "Thanks." he whispers. 

 

Eyes big and soft, Rodney just nods. 

 

"I feel better now." John gives a small but authentic smile. 

 

His hands drop from Rodney's shoulders and he gestures an arm toward the cockpit, "Shall we..." 

 

Sighing a bit sadly at the loss of contact, Rodney just nods again. 

 

As Rodney takes the pilot seat, John turns to look at him, asking with a glint of humor, "You ready to take this baby up?" 

 

John is smiling, looking like his usual self, but it is a real smile. Rodney can easily see the affection and tenderness shining from his eyes.

 

.  
.

 

Since their mission to the desert planet, it feels like he and John are getting so close, it seems like so much more than friendship. The way John looks at him, Rodney feels... 

 

Oh. Too much. He wants him in every possible way. He feels like he belongs to John; he has ever since John fucked him in Antarctica. 

 

Even though John has that infuriating way of acting aloof and flirty at the same time… Rodney lets himself imagine that John wants more with him than he does with most people. But he can't be sure; he has never been great at reading these things. 

 

Rodney feels so much for John; he’s worried that he is coloring in emotions that aren't reciprocated. Still, he starts to reach out of himself, trying to act flirty, using every opportunity to have physical contact with each other. 

 

Like when the two of them make late night kitchen raids, Rodney grabs food out of John's hands just to get into a wrestling match; of course John always wins. 

 

When he and John go to the shooting range, Rodney pleads, "Can you just show me how to hold it again?" 

 

John obliges and they spend most of these sessions with their bodies pressed close. It feels like more than friendship... If someone were to walk in on them, Rodney is sure it would raise some eyebrows. At work John is completely professional, aside from the sniping and banter of course. 

 

But Rodney has always sensed something cagey about John. The way he leaves abruptly, the lack of intimacy. Rodney knows that closeness doesn't come easily to John and is afraid that if he makes a move, John will bolt like he always did after they had sex in Antarctica. 

 

Maybe for now it is just better to be hopelessly in love and enjoy what closeness he has. Just because Rodney is used to getting rejected doesn't make it any less painful. In fact, it makes the pain more acute and humiliating. 

 

In the past, there have been times when Rodney has mustered the courage to come on arrogant and brash. But that’s always taken a lot of effort and once he is almost inevitably rebuffed, he’s had to maintain an air of condescension to hide his acute pain of rejection. 

 

Anyway, that approach only works when Rodney doesn't really care or really know the person. Yeah. Honestly, he can’t think of time when that tactic has ever worked. But he hasn't had much success with the ‘wait and see’ method either. 

 

He hadn't thought he would be interested in anybody again after everything that happened with Alex. He’d been broken through and through, forever he thought. Falling in love with John was the last thing he wanted. But there it is. 

 

And Rodney wants him more than he has ever wanted anyone. There is something about him... It's not just how sexy he is or the way John can make Rodney feel with that huge cock... 

 

It is John himself, as a being, as a soul. Rodney is drawn to him, like an irresistible planetary force, Rodney has been drawn into John's orbit... And now, it is where he belongs. It's not Atlantis that feels like home, Rodney realizes, it is John. John has become his home.

 

.  
.

 

As the weeks tick by, Rodney keeps debating with himself over whether or not to reach out, to try to get closer. The sexual tension is palpable; Rodney is sure he is not imagining that. 

 

John’s never seemed to have a problem taking what he wanted from Rodney in the past. And Rodney doesn't know why John isn't doing anything about it now when it feels like they are constantly on the verge of fucking. 

 

Still, Rodney has had some pretty bad malfunctions with his romantic radar before and he doesn't want this to be one of those times. He just couldn't take it if John rejected him. Rodney wants to be sure of all the facts before he takes a risk and tells John how he feels. 

 

While Rodney is still puzzling over this dilemma, a contagion hits the city. Two deaths occur, members of a large science team that Rodney had searching distant areas of the city. 

 

They were exposed to something that was released from a containment vessel during the storm. A nanovirus, giving the victims terrifying visual hallucinations before they die of a brain aneurysm. The city is quarantined but one of the scientists breaks loose, infecting a large number of personnel. 

 

John is able to reach a Jumper and use a nuke deliver a massive EM pulse above the city to disrupt the nanovirus. From a radiological standpoint, they’d all be safe enough, but the question is whether John can outrun the blast wave in time. 

 

Rodney is still just coming to terms with the fact that he has fallen in love with... the Major. Now he is kicking himself, despondent that he never summoned the courage to tell John how he feels.

 

While John positions a Jumper over the city, Rodney tries do to help, cautioning, "You're only going to have 30 seconds once you release it before it explodes. You need to get as far away as you can." 

 

"Get as far away from the nuclear explosion as possible.” John repeats back to him sarcastically, “That's good advice, Rodney. Thanks." 

 

"You're welcome." Rodney's mouth curls up with a sour expression. Okay that was pointless. 

 

"I'm releasing the generator...” John’s voice crackles over the radio, “Now." 

 

Rodney knows John can accelerate the Jumper pretty fast. He desperately hopes it is fast enough to outrun the shockwaves. 

 

When the blast from the pulse reaches the city, Rodney hears Elizabeth on the coms, "Major Sheppard, come in." 

 

There is nothing but silence. Rodney looks up even though he can only see the ceiling. _'Oh please. Oh please. Oh please'._ Rodney doesn't believe in deities but this is the closest he has ever come to a prayer. 

 

Elizabeth keeps trying to reach John on the com, but there is no response. 

 

_'Oh please. Oh please... If he's alive I'll tell him I love him, I will stop being such a coward, even if John doesn't feel the same. I'll take the risk, just let him be alive, let him be alive still, let-’_

 

"This is Sheppard, I've cleared the blast. I'm returning home."  
.  
.  
.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place during/after Season 1, episode 12: 'The Defiant One' and through episode 13: 'HotZone'  
> .


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